You know there are some that say if someone is jealous of you then you must be doing something good or you’re going places. The reason people look at this emotion so nonchalantly is that they think of it as something that will pass and that jealousy stands all by itself.
This is so very far from the truth because the spirit of Jealousy NEVER travels alone. You will see it first but what follows are many other spirits which are incredibly diabolical.
We’re going to show you just how dangerous this is and then give you some prayers to pray if you are struggling with this spirit as well as prayers to pray if others are jealous of you.
Jealousy is not something to take lightly. This is a very dangerous spirit. It is not cute or something that you should brush off. You should take it seriously.
When someone is jealous, they are jealous for:
someone elses’ possessions, wealth, assets – (greed, coveting), position, placement, job, advancement, other’s authority, power, leadership, recognition, praise, prestige, abilities, talents, skills, accomplishments, achievements, success, intelligence, logic, knowledge, personality, social standing, relationships, communication, intimacy, marriage, loyalties, devotion, attachments, other’s age, youth, maturity, experience, looks, appearance, beauty, health, other’s clothes, style, sophistication, other’s opportunities, privileges, advantages, good fortune.
People can even be jealous of your spiritual gifts.
The bottom line is this spirit is insatiable. Also, this spirit has no boundaries with age. Grown married women, even mothers, can be jealous of orphaned children if they have one thing more that what these womens’ children have. The spirit has no boundaries or limits. It just wants what someone else has. It has no regard for what anyone had to go through to gain what they have, it just wants it.
One of the main things that you need to understand about the spirit of jealousy is that it travels with other spirits. These spirits show up afterwards if we allow jealousy to continue unchecked within us or around us. If you have a spirit of jealousy, here are the other spirits that will follow it and how they will manifest themselves in your life:
- Murder – literally wanting to get rid of the person so that you can get what they have. Evil thoughts that something bad will happen to that person.
- Strife – constant tension between you and that person and everyone else around.
- Greed/Lust – insatiable desire to have what the other person has even though if you were to stop and think about it you have more than they do.
- Envy – you want what others have without having any legal, biblical or covenantal claim to it.
- Destruction – constantly speaking evil of the focus of your jealousy, hoping secretly that what they have comes to nothing. If you can’t get it then they shouldn’t have it either.
- Competition – trying to compete to show them and others that you are better and deserve what they have.
- Selfish Ambition – doing things not out of a love for God and others but to get attention so that everyone looks at you and not the person you are jealous of.
- Anger – this spirit is usually hidden and comes in the form of outburst against the focus of your jealousy
- Division – you start to form teams of people around you who will agree with and justify your feelings so that you can all gang up against this person
- Slander – speaking half truths or complete lies in an attempt to discredit the person or damage their character
- Striving – working like crazy out of the flesh instead of an anointing. This will mean that you have to work twice as hard to do what they are doing.
Let’s look at a few of instances in the bible of jealousy.
1. Adam and Eve
The first one recorded was Eve who took the fruit that God told her was forbidden and ate it as well as gave it to her husband Adam. (Genesis 3) Why did they do this? Because they wanted to be like God. They wanted His power. They were envious. They were also greedy because it wasn’t enough that they had communion with God that they could speak to Him face to face. It wasn’t enough that they had all provision. It wasn’t enough that they lived in perfection. They didn’t have to work for anything it was all given to them.
Jealousy will cause you to lose sight of the blessings that you already have and focus on the smallest of things that you don’t have.
You can read the entire story of Cain’s jealousy in Genesis 4
Genesis 4 (NIV)
Cain and Abel
4 Now Abel kept flocks, and Cain worked the soil. 3 In the course of time Cain brought some of the fruits of the soil as an offering to the Lord. 4 And Abel also brought an offering—fat portions from some of the firstborn of his flock. The Lord looked with favor on Abel and his offering, 5 but on Cain and his offering he did not look with favor. So Cain was very angry, and his face was downcast.
6 Then the Lord said to Cain, “Why are you angry? Why is your face downcast? 7 If you do what is right, will you not be accepted? But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door; it desires to have you, but you must rule over it.”
8 Now Cain said to his brother Abel, “Let’s go out to the field.” While they were in the field, Cain attacked his brother Abel and killed him.
9 Then the Lord said to Cain, “Where is your brother Abel?”
“I don’t know,” he replied. “Am I my brother’s keeper?”
10 The Lord said, “What have you done? Listen! Your brother’s blood cries out to me from the ground. 11 Now you are under a curse and driven from the ground, which opened its mouth to receive your brother’s blood from your hand. 12 When you work the ground, it will no longer yield its crops for you. You will be a restless wanderer on the earth.”
16 So Cain went out from the Lord’s presence and lived in the land of Nod, east of Eden.
17 Cain made love to his wife, and she became pregnant and gave birth to Enoch. Cain was then building a city, and he named it after his son Enoch. 18 To Enoch was born Irad, and Irad was the father of Mehujael, and Mehujael was the father of Methushael, and Methushael was the father of Lamech.
19 Lamech married two women, one named Adah and the other Zillah. 20 Adah gave birth to Jabal; he was the father of those who live in tents and raise livestock. 21 His brother’s name was Jubal; he was the father of all who play stringed instruments and pipes. 22 Zillah also had a son, Tubal-Cain, who forged all kinds of tools out of bronze and iron. Tubal-Cain’s sister was Naamah.
23 Lamech said to his wives,
“Adah and Zillah, listen to me;
wives of Lamech, hear my words. I have killed a man for wounding me, a young man for injuring me.
24If Cain is avenged seven times,
then Lamech seventy-seven times.”
Jealousy removes you from under the blessing of God and when not put in check you can pass this on to your generation.
3. Joseph’s brothers
You can read the entire story in Genesis 37-38. We know that Joseph’s father gave him a colorful coat because he favored him over his brothers. We also know that Joseph had a dream where God showed him that he would be a great leader. When Joseph shared the dream with his brothers they became jealous and intended to kill him. Even in the midst of all the adversity and opposition that Joseph had he was still able to fulfill everything that God said he would. His brothers on the other hand suffered under the famine because they were put under a curse. In the end, the brother that they tried to kill became their salvation and they ended up serving him.
When we aim our jealousy at someone we may delay their blessing but we will never stop it. We put ourselves under a curse and forfeit our own blessing.
Let’s look at how we defeat the spirit of jealousy using Joseph as an example:
- Joseph extended forgiveness to his brothers
- Joseph blessed his brothers through his kind words and through his actions by helping them even after what they did to him
- He gave God all glory in that he said what they meant for harm God turned it to good
- He was not prideful in his accomplishments.
Why is Jealousy so offensive to God?
- When we are jealous of others what we are saying to God is that He hasn’t blessed us with anything
- When we are jealous of others we are telling God that HE is not enough for us
- When we are jealous we lose sight that God has blessed us with things that He hasn’t blessed others with. Remember we don’t all have the same blessings. You are blessed in ways that were specifically designed by God just for you. Please reflect on this point. Cain lost sight of the fact that he had a special blessing from God which was that of being the first born child.
What blessings are you not seeing because you may be jealous of what someone else has?
Consequences from God for Harboring a jealous spirit
- You put yourself under a curse
- God puts you away from him and you forfeit your blessing until you repent
- You will pass that murderous jealous spirit unto your children. Jealousy begets jealousy (Genesis 4:24). What’s even more frightening is based on the story of Cain, his desendant Lamech turned out to be even more cruel that he was.
The bottom line is absolutely no blessing comes your way when you are under the power of the spirit of jealousy.
God is a Jealous God
Now you may have heard that God is a jealous God, and He is!
So, what is the difference? The motivation and driving force behind God’s jealousy is very much different from us mere humans.
Exodus 34:14 (KJV) “For thou shalt worship no other god: for the Lord, whose name is Jealous, is a jealous God:”
God has a right to be jealous because we belong to him. We are in a covenant relationship with him.
Joshua 24:19 (KJV) “And Joshua said unto the people, Ye cannot serve the Lord: for he is an holy God; he is a jealous God; he will not forgive your transgressions nor your sins.”
We provoke God to jealousy when we practice idolatry and serve other gods.
In Zechariah 1:14, God again says that he is a jealous God but in verse 16 he says that he will restore us. God’s jealousy leads us to restoration of true worship
This concept is also brought out in context of the last days in Joel 2:18: “the Lord will be jealous for his land and take pity on his people.” It is also used to describe a man’s jealousy for his wife ( Numbers 5:14-30 ) and God’s passionate anger against sin ( 1 Kings 14:22 ; Psalm 78:58 ).
So we see that Jealousy is an emotion of one taking ownership over another. God is Jealous of his people because he owns us. We are in a covenant relationship with him. A husband and wife can be jealous when the other strays because the two have become one. They are in a covenant relationship with each other.
When we are jealous of others’ success and of what others have, of someone else’s spouse then we are acting out an emotion which is destructive. Since we don’t own them or have a biblical covenant relationship with them we are not suppose to feel that jealousy. This would be an emotion of the flesh which then opens you up to more dangerous diabolical spirits.
God’s fruit of His jealousy for his people is to restore them to worship Him. It is not to harm but to heal and restore. This is the main difference between God’s jealousy for us and the sinful human jealousy which has no good fruit.
So what do you do if you realize that you have a jealous spirit?
- You repent. Ask God to forgive you for feeling the way that you do.
- Tell your mind, body and spirit that you are renouncing any association to that spirit or any of the other spirits that comes along with it.
Prayer for people struggling with a Jealous Spirit
Father God, now that I know how dangerous this spirit is I repent of it. I ask you to remove this from me along with all the other spirits that travel with it. I would never want to be lumped in with Cain or Joseph’s brothers because nothing good came of their lives. You will never bless me for this behavior so remove this spirit from my midst. Let me never be comfortable feeling this way. Give me a heart that rejoices when others are blessed and mourns when others are suffering instead of glorying in it. God wash and cleanse my mind, heart and spirit and purify me from this unrighteousness. Move me from under the curse and put me in a place to receive your blessing. Remove any generational curses that may have been passed down to me from my forefathers. Cut off this spirit from being passed down to my children. Forgive me for not appreciating all the blessing I currently have. Help me to be content with what you have given me today knowing that even more blessings that you have for me is on the way. I trust that today I am free from this and I look to the blessing of your Holy Spirit to fulfill all my needs and desires, in Jesus Name, Amen.
Praying against Jealousy
Commander of heaven’s armies, I call upon you today to remove from me every spirit and principality of jealousy. Send forth your warring angels to remove every diabolical spirit that comes with this spirit such as the spirit of murder, envy, strife, selfish ambition, slander, destruction, greed, lust, competition, anger and division. These spirits shall have no part in me, my family, my generation, my inheritance, my finances, the ministry you have given me or the future you have planned for me. Banish them from coming into my presence or from attacking any path that you have laid before me. Remove the obstacles they have placed in my path. Restore that which was stolen. Heal any woundedness. Restore any damage they have done to my credibility. Any door that You have opened Lord no man can close and that which you have closed no man can open. Any door that I have left open to allow these in please show them to me and close them never to be open again. Any associations that I may have with others from the past whether in or outside of the family of God close those doors for good and don’t allow those spirits to ever have access to my life again. I break every unholy covenant that I have made with them. I cut every soul tie to my past which may have given these spirits access to my future life. I speak blessings over those who tried to curse me. Cause them to see the blessings that you have already bistowed upon them. Show them the path you have for them and give them the grace to move on in the path you have established for them. I pray that my speech would be seasoned with grace and I would not be prideful when I give you glory in how you’ve blessed me. In Jesus Name, Amen.
We hope you see how serious this is and that you can come back at any time that you feel the need to reread these points and pray the prayers.
Here are some Bible Verses About Jealousy and some that you can meditate on if you are trying to overcome a Spirit of Jealousy.
Here are some other prayers for you
Today I’m going to talk about how to deal with the jealousy you feel in your relationships with your husband, wife, parents, children or friends. Why are people jealous of their husband seeing his female friends? The attention paid by their wife to an unknown man? Their parents’ affection towards other children? Where does jealousy come from?
Reasons for jealousy:
- Firstly, jealousy stems from fear – the fear of losing something you love.
- Secondly, it comes from self-doubt, lack of confidence in your relationship with your partner (or friend or child or whoever), uncertainty that your partner loves you and wouldn’t rather be with somebody better.
- Thirdly, jealousy arises from possessive feelings towards your partner, the desire to monopolise their personal life and interfere in all their affairs.
- Fourthly, the trait can grow from any other complexes or fears.
What don’t we see on this list of reasons for jealousy? Love! Jealousy doesn’t come from love; its basis is fear. Constant bursts of jealousy only interfere with love and turn relationships into cavalcades of suffering and distrust.
So how do you overcome jealousy? How can you get rid of the reasons behind this feeling?
- 1 1. Get rid of anything that doesn’t serve your love
- 2 2. Get rid of your fears
- 3 3. Stop comparing
- 4 4. Improve your relationship
- 5 5. Rein in your imagination
- 6 6. Stop only living the life of your partner
- 7 7. Do the opposite
- 8 8. Be open! Don’t play games
- 9 9. Trust your partner
- 10 10. Be ready to forgive
- 11 What is Jealousy?
- 12 Jealousy Versus Envy
- 13 Jealousy and Insecurity
- 14 Jealous Feelings and Jealous Actions
- 15 Dealing With Feelings of Jealousy
- 16 Dealing With a Jealous Partner
- 17 Comments
1. Get rid of anything that doesn’t serve your love
During bouts of jealousy many people engage in cloak-and-dagger games. They may constantly check the call list on their spouse’s phone, try to catch the smell of perfume on their jacket, phone them every hour to make sure they’re with their friends and not paying a visit to their lover, forbid them from talking to members of the opposite sex, etc. Basically, they keep their partner on a short leash. At the same time, they give no thought to where this feeling will ultimately lead them.
Subconsciously these people may believe that their behaviour will solve problems which are getting in the way of having a healthy relationship. Spouses should love each other and not be unfaithful, they think. Therefore they feel they must do everything in their power to ensure their partner’s fidelity, even if it leads to mistrust, negative emotions and quarrels over nothing. This is how jealousy gets its green light.
People have got used to seeing love and jealousy as going hand in hand, and many have become reconciled to the fact that jealousy is a fully-fledged participant in their relationships.
But in fact, the paranoia which arises from jealousy is completely antithetical to a harmonious life together and merely poisons love. Jealousy and the activities it gives rise to don’t solve problems but create them.
Where will your endless jealousy get you? You’re afraid of lies, but you shroud your relationships in an atmosphere of mistrust. You’re terrified of losing your partner, but at the same time you try to control their every step, accuse them, forbid them, swear, shout, suspect…
Does this really lay the groundwork for close, trusting, long and healthy relationships? The irony of jealousy (as well as many other feelings which are based on fear) is that jealousy only brings closer that which you’re afraid of! Distrust and paranoia ultimately make relationships more fragile and alienate you from your partner.
When you next have an episode of jealousy and feel the urge to shout at your spouse or check their phone, ask yourself how doing these things will help your relationship. How will it support your love? How will it prevent the things (losing your partner, the end of the relationship) you’re so afraid of from happening?
If your answer to this question is ‘It won’t’ or ‘It’ll only get in the way’, then put up a stop sign in front of your jealousy.
Of course, this alone won’t enable you to completely get rid of your jealousy, but the first step on the way to getting rid of negative emotions is to recognise that you don’t need them – that they only get in your way.
Free your relationships from anything which doesn’t serve the interests of love!
2. Get rid of your fears
It’s natural for us not to want to think about what we fear, for example, ‘What if I lose my job? I can’t bear to even think about it!’ It sounds strange, but our fears have power over us precisely because we don’t want to think about what’ll happen if they’re realised.
Of course, you might not agree with me and protest, ‘That’s not the case! I’m constantly thinking about my fears. I imagine how bad it would be if my love left me and all the awful things I’d feel’.
But you don’t think about what would happen afterwards. You contemplate only the negative emotions which would happen the moment your fears were realised. Try mentally crossing that boundary, even if you don’t want to think about the future.
Think, ‘How would things be a year after our separation? Five years after? The first few months would undoubtedly be hard for me, but then little by little I’d start to come back to myself. Eventually I’d meet someone else; maybe our relationship would be even better than this one.’
(This isn’t to say that separation is the best of possible outcomes! Maybe your relationship would survive infidelity – I’m going to talk about that in the last part of the article.)
It’s not as dreadful as you thought at the start, is it? Don’t catastrophise! Try to envisage how you’d get out of the situation and what your life would be like further down the line, not about how bad it would be for you the moment your fear became reality!
I believe that if you analyse your other fears like this, you’ll realise that they too are empty. Behind nearly every one of your fears lurks nothing. The border which abuts human fear – it’s nothing; and there’s no need to fear this ‘nothing’. (I’m going to talk about this in more detail in future articles.)
You shouldn’t become too attached to what you have. At the moment, you may feel that your relationship with this person is the most important thing in your life. But this is at least in part illusion and deception. People find it hard to think from the perspective of their whole lives and often very much overestimate the role they have at the moment.
This idea may not be completely intuitive. You ask me, ‘Why not become attached to something? I’m tied to things I love: my children, my family, my work, my goals. These are the foundations of my being! Are you suggesting becoming indifferent to the things I love?’
No, I’m just suggesting putting an end to unhealthy attachments which only give rise to suffering and fear.
If you dearly love your spouse but constantly live in fear that your relationship may end, are you really happy? Are you satisfied with this kind of relationship? I doubt it. The fear of losing this relationship in the future makes you unhappy. But what you have in the present doesn’t make you happy either because you’re always afraid and thinking about the future!
Strong attachments cause fear of loss. And this fear hinders you from enjoying the present moment.
Not having a strong attachment isn’t the same as not loving. It simply means having a more peaceful attitude towards the fact that nothing lasts forever and being realistic; being ready for anything and also being able to enjoy what you have now.
3. Stop comparing
‘He’s going to find a better wife than me now, someone cleverer and more beautiful!’
‘There are so many guys around her, and they’re all better looking and more successful than me. There’s no chance our relationship will last.’
These anxious thoughts are familiar to many. You start comparing yourself to other members of your sex and get swept up in the fear of competition. But husbands and wives aren’t commodities which you find at the love market!
Human relationships aren’t the same as commodity-money relations in which preferences are formulated solely on the basis of the attributes of the ‘goods’: attractiveness, success, intelligence, etc. This is actually more similar to the attitude of a capital owner to his capital; again that isn’t the best analogy, but it’s closer.
What I’m getting at is that your relationship now isn’t the same as it was before when it had just started. Perhaps when you’d just met your partner you were connected only by mutual attraction.
But as the relationship develops, a kind of ‘capital’ is formed, something more than simple attraction and lust enhanced by outward attractiveness and success.
This capital accumulates over the years as both parties in the relationship come to understand each other more and more deeply, find solutions to their problems together, draw conclusions from their mistakes and overcome the difficulties that arise on their path…
This capital becomes extremely valuable, impossible to simply exchange for something else, because your partner doesn’t love you for your qualities alone, but for all that you have with them. Maybe they love you for something else which you yourself don’t quite get. And it’s this that means they prefer you to someone who may be ostensibly more attractive and successful.
‘That’s all well and good,’ you say. ‘But what if our relationship isn’t “building up joint moral capital”? It’s just crumbling. It seems that nothing’s binding us anymore.’
In that case, read on.
4. Improve your relationship
Spend more time with your partner. Get to know their wants. Show them care and trust. Use your mutual strengths to solve family problems. Talk about your difficulties. Make yourselves more attractive to each other. Introduce variety. Develop your relationship, and don’t stop there!
I’m not going to get into detailed instructions about how to improve your relationship; this will be the subject of another article. What I want to say here is that the trust between spouses doesn’t derive from surveillance, suspicion and mistrust. It’s the result of a strong, secure and fulfilling relationship.
Even if shadowing your spouse doesn’t show up any evidence of infidelity, your jealousy won’t be eliminated; it’ll come back sooner or later. But when you become more confident in your relationship, when you and your partner immerse yourselves in trust, only then will you have less reason to be jealous.
In order to get rid of the feeling of jealousy itself and also the reasons for it arising (betrayal), you have to aspire to develop your relationship and not turn it into some spy novel or soap opera!
Recently I was thinking about why as a general rule there’s total state control in less developed countries. I believe it’s because countries with serious economic problems have only one way of nurturing patriotism and keeping their citizens from leaving. This method includes lying, organising surveillance, establishing prohibitions and putting restrictions on leaving the country. The love and loyalty these countries’ citizens show towards the sate is based on fear and deception.
But a state with good economic and social conditions doesn’t need to resort to dictatorship. People won’t leave these countries even if given the chance. This is because they love their state, since it provides them with good living conditions and cares about them. It doesn’t force anyone to ‘love’ so the feeling arises genuinely.
You can easily apply this analogy to your relationships. It’s essential to establish an atmosphere of love and trust within your family, to amass joint ‘love capital’ and thereby lower the risk of ‘spouse emigration’ to another family. It’s a much better way than attaining this through restrictions and surveillance.
5. Rein in your imagination
Your husband is being kept late at work and you’re already envisaging a scenario where he’s having a good time with other women. But don’t your imagination run away with you. If you keep picturing it, you’ll find it hard to extricate yourself from these thoughts or listen to any reasonable arguments which come to you.
These fantasies deprive you of the chance to soberly evaluate the situation. So, if you notice yourself feeling paranoid about your partner cheating on you, then come up with a rule: ‘my first thought isn’t true until proved otherwise.’
This principle is the presumption of guilt of impulsive thoughts (Your first thought is ‘guilty’ (wrong) until proven innocent (right)). It helps me very much to cope with many emotions and to see the situation as it is and not as my transitory feelings are trying to make it look.
So discard all these fantasies from your head for a while. You can pay them attention later. The first thing is to calm your mind. When you’re beset with worry and anxiety, nothing worthwhile will come into your head.
Turn your attention to something else. Don’t allow it to become ‘tied up’ in these fantasies. Start to think about the problem only when you know that you’re calmer and your anxiety isn’t dragging all of your thoughts to their ‘negative pole’. Then you can start to appraise the situation sensibly. Maybe you’ll realise that your misgivings have been groundless; or they may be proven true. But before you think about this, you must calmly analyse the situation as it is in reality and not get carried away by your imaginings.
6. Stop only living the life of your partner
A common reason for jealousy is one partner’s fixation on the other’s life. Sometimes this happens because one person in the relationship lacks their own interests or personal life, so all they can do is live the life of the other.
This doesn’t only apply to jealousy, but also excessive control by parents over their children. Remember that your control, your anxiety, your endless intervention in someone’s life won’t make you or them any happier!
In order to avoid this, it’s important to establish variety in your life. Find your interests and passions. Not that new interests should ever become a reason to ignore your partner or child.
Absolutely not! They should simply allow you to realise that there are things in life beyond them.
At the same time, let your partner (or son or daughter) live their own life in addition to a family one. Leave them space to see their friends, colleagues and even members of the opposite sex! Show your partner that you trust them, give them freedom, don’t try to study every inch of their life or squeeze it in a vice of control.
This will also help you to become less attached to your relationship since you’ll have something else to focus on! Consequently, you’ll be less afraid of loss and suffer less too!
7. Do the opposite
Do the opposite of what tends to make you jealous. If you see your wife talking to a guy you don’t know, instead of glaring at him then making a scene with your wife, go up and politely introduce yourself! You may discover he’s simply a colleague your wife stopped to speak to so as not to seem rude. You’ll realise that your jealousy was completely absurd.
8. Be open! Don’t play games
Quit these spy games and cast away your hidden doubts! If something’s worrying you, talk to your partner about it directly! And don’t make a scene when you do this! Calmly tell them your suspicions and see what they say.
But before you talk to your partner about it, it wouldn’t hurt to think about whether your suspicions are justified. Many people conduct ‘hidden games’ and act stealthily because they subconsciously know that all of their doubts are absurd and even comical, and it would be ludicrous to tell anyone about their paranoia
Being ready to have such conversations and talking directly about your fears will not only allow you to enter a new level of trust (if you know that the conversation should happen), but also to check whether your fears are real or simply the product of your wild imagination.
9. Trust your partner
I’ve already spoken about trust a few times in this article, but I believe the issue important enough to warrant its own section. Trust is an indispensable condition of healthy, strong relationships, so think about whether you really have any reason not to trust your partner.
I’m not saying that there never is a reason, but often we start to suspect out partner not because they’ve betrayed our trust, but simply because we’re afraid and don’t trust ourselves. Jealousy in this case isn’t based on reality but results from our own personal feelings.
Why then not try to trust our partner? To stop seeing deception in their every word and discard our endless suspicions? Of course, suspicions aren’t always groundless. But make an attempt to trust your other half and not suspect them of something bad for at least a month, however they act and whatever they do.
If your fears stay with you, then you probably should change something in your relationship. But it’s entirely possible that you’ll start to understand how ridiculous your fears are and see how belief in your partner transforms your relationship and makes you happier. And you’ll want to stay with this trust forever.
10. Be ready to forgive
I don’t want any of my advice to be taken by people as a way of simply accepting clear problems within the family and suppressing feelings of jealousy which have a basis. Maybe things with you really aren’t going so smoothly and your partner is systematically cheating, and it’s not paranoia or fear which tells you this but established facts. (It’s hard to deny this when your spouse constantly disappears, comes home late at night and smells of perfume or cologne.)
In this case, it’s better not to deny the obvious, not to suppress bouts of jealousy, and to try to do something about your relationship. I’ve always been an advocate of putting right whatever’s happened, forgiving people and starting afresh before taking decisive action. I advise the same for you.
Infidelity isn’t always an indicator of the absence of love towards or from your spouse. Sometimes people cheat simply because they want more sex, even though they still love you. Sometimes they do it because they crave new victories on the love front, but they still love you. Sometimes it happens because a person succumbs to passion, but they still love you. Sometimes it happens as the result of a moment of weakness, a mistake for which they can be forgiven.
Infidelity isn’t as awful as it appears in your imagination or feelings. But if it happens, be ready to get through it together and live beyond it. It’s not the end of your life.
If you know that you’re capable of forgiving someone and starting to trust them again after what they’ve done, that infidelity doesn’t have to mean the end of your relationship, that you’ll be able together to change and improve your joint life without repeating the same mistakes in future – then you’ll have even fewer reasons to be jealous!
But this requires the trust of both spouses – and their desire to develop their relationship!
Edited by Kathy McGraw, Maria
Jealousy is a common problem in relationships. In fact, relationship coach Brad Browning gives data from a survey of Canadian marriage and family counselors wherein a third of their clientele cite jealousy as a reason for seeking therapy. In this article, we’ll explore, among other things, the nature of jealousy, the differences between jealousy and envy, and the connections between jealousy and insecurity. We’ll also discuss how you can deal with your jealousy or help a jealous partner deal with theirs. Let’s get started.
What is Jealousy?
Jealousy is the fear of losing something that you have, usually a romantic relationship. You fear that someone else will take your partner from you. It may make you feel resentful toward your partner and angry at the person who you feel is encroaching on your territory. Such feelings are normal and natural in any love relationship; jealousy is an evolutionary response to protecting our ability to reproduce our genes. It is as much a part of human nature as walking upright on two limbs. Once you understand that jealousy is part of human development, you can see that it is not inherently bad. It is only negative when it interferes with your ability to bond with your partner and form healthy adult attachments.
Jealousy Versus Envy
It is important to distinguish jealousy from envy. Jealousy is the fear of losing something you already have while envy is the desire to have something that belongs to someone else. So while you can be envious of your neighbor’s new car, you’re only jealous if he offers to give your wife a ride in it. The two emotions are often conflated in common usage, which not only confuses any discussion about them but also is just sloppy language.
Jealousy and Insecurity
Jealousy is sometimes a response to feelings of insecurity that may have developed from childhood or from past relationships.However, this is not always the case. If your jealousy is the result of insecurities you have about yourself, whether they are about your looks, intelligence, or value as a person, the only way to address your jealousy problem is becoming secure in yourself. While your partner can help you, it’s ultimately up to you to do the real work.
Journaling is helpful in discovering destructive and irrational thought patterns and their triggers. When you find yourself feeling jealous of your partner, take careful note of the thoughts going through your mind and what happened immediately preceding those thoughts. You may find, for instance, that you become insecure about your body when you catch your partner looking at other women, which prompts you to become jealous that they would rather be with these other women who are younger, prettier, etc. than you.
Realize that your self-worth is not connected with your partner’s love
Your partner’s love, when you get right down to it, amounts to a preference for some quality you have. Having their love doesn’t make you special or any more valuable than anyone else; it just means that they prefer to be in a relationship with you. When you decouple your self-worth from your partner and their love for you, your fear of losing them will lessen, resulting in less jealousy.
Realize that your partner is not responsible for your happiness
Think about it this way: your partner can’t control your feelings any more than you can control theirs. Happiness, like other feelings, results from chemical reactions to pleasant stimuli, and one way of achieving such stimuli is to be on the receiving end of your partner’s love, but you can just as easily achieve the same stimuli from other people, too. Whether you remain with your partner or not has no bearing on your future happiness.
Jealous Feelings and Jealous Actions
Jealous feelings in and of themselves don’t harm relationships; in fact, some jealousy is good in a healthy relationship. On the other hand, unwarranted jealous actions are almost always harmful to a relationship. Jealous actions often involve trying to control the other person and making them feel distrusted and disrespected. Jealous actions to avoid include the following:
- Relentless questioning about where your partner has been when they return home
- Forbidding them from having friends of the opposite sex
- Forbidding them to dress a certain way
- Forbidding them from going to a certain place
- Insisting that they return home at an unreasonably early hour
- Pouting when your partner talks to someone else
- Withholding love and affection from your partner to “punish” them for showing attention to someone else
Dealing With Feelings of Jealousy
We all feel jealous sometimes; it’s part of being in a love relationship with another person. Jealousy becomes a problem when it is unreasonable, unwarranted, and when act on it. The following steps will help you to deal with your jealousy constructively and avoid behaving jealously toward your partner.
When your partner tells you that they love you and want only you, take them at their word and believe them. Easier said than done, you may say, and you’d be right; it won’t happen right away. But over time, the more you consciously set aside your doubts and trust your partner’s words, the more your trust in them will grow and the fewer doubts you will have.
Confront your own unwarranted beliefs
Examine how well your beliefs about your partner comport with reality. Have they actually cheated on you or given you any real cause to believe that they might do it? The chances are that they have not and your feeling jealous is unwarranted, just like believing in a flat earth is unwarranted.
Laugh at your silly beliefs
Don’t take it too seriously; recognize foolish thinking and have a good giggle about it. Laughing will not only diffuse the tension you are feeling, but it will also help you feel happy.
Learn to empathize with your partner
Put yourself in their shoes and think about how you would act in their situation. For instance, wouldn’t you hug and kiss an old friend of yours that yours that you haven’t seen in a long time? Wouldn’t those be appropriate things to do in those circumstances? Seen in that way, your partner’s actions lose their mystery and therefore the uncertainty of your partner’s continued love for you and their fidelity to your relationship.
Discuss your jealousy with your partner
Be careful not to blame them for your jealousy, just talk to them about your feelings using “I” language and ask for their help in dealing with it. In most cases, they will be happy to help; however, don’t place any responsibility for dealing with your jealousy on them.
Get involved in your own hobbies and outside friendships
It’s easy to let your friendships slide when you become involved with someone and just as easy to lose yourself in pursuing your partner’s interests at the expense of your own. Rather than relying on your partner for companionship and things to do, reconnect with your friends and get back into your hobbies. You’ll find that you feel happier overall, which in turn will decrease feelings of insecurity and jealousy.
If you have tried all of the above and your jealousy still controls you, then it’s time to get the help of a counselor. Through a combination of talk therapy, cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), and perhaps, drug therapy, a mental health professional will assist you in getting to the root causes of your jealousy and helping you develop the coping mechanisms for dealing with it.
Dealing With a Jealous Partner
Being on the receiving end of a partner’s unwarranted jealousy is no fun; it can feel like walking on quicksand. If you want to stay in the relationship and try to make it work, here are some things you can do to help your partner with their jealousy problem:
Think about your actions immediately preceding your partner’s jealous reaction. Is there anything that you are doing or in your habits that might exacerbate their insecurities about your love and fidelity? For example:
- Are you an extremely private person? Your insistence on keeping a private personal email account that they can’t access may contribute to your partner’s doubts. Consider giving them the password to your email account and letting them check it periodically.
- Do you always leave the room when you get a phone call? While it could very well be your intent not to disturb your partner with your conversation, it may seem to them like you are being secretive about who you are talking to.
- Do you regularly go out with your friends? Consider inviting your partner to hang with you sometimes or temporarily stop going out with them to help your partner feel better. Make sure that you tell them why you are doing this and that it is only temporary.
There’s no such thing as telling your partner you love them too much or too often. When you tell your partner that you love them and show them affection with both words and touch, you are reconnecting with them and validating love. Doing so will help them feel more secure in your relationship, which should ease their feelings of jealousy.
Recognize that their jealous feelings stem from a fear of losing you
At the bottom of all jealous feelings is a fear of the relationship ending. This doesn’t make unwarranted jealous actions toward you, okay, but it may help you in understanding why they feel the way they do.
Recognize when the situation has become toxic
If your partner’s jealousy makes them behave in controlling and abusive ways, then you must see to your own safety, both physically and mentally. This means that if your partner beats you or tries to control everything that you do, they need to get professional help and you can’t be with them unless and until they get their jealousy and anger under control.
Categories : Relationships
Recent edits by: Kathy McGraw
In even the most solid of relationships there is always the chance that jealousy will occur between you and your partner. The question is; what do you do about it when it does? Is it all that bad? And who’s to blame?
Sources Of Jealousy
There are plenty of reasons that one person in a relationship might feel jealous, but there are probably three levels which are most common:
Jealousy is closely related to trust, and in general the more trust you have the less likely you are to feel jealous. So it goes without saying of course that if your partner has ever cheated on you you are likely to feel jealous about the other person involved or just any man/woman that your partner is close to.
In this situation it is certainly fair to say that the cheater is at fault, but ultimately to build a strong relationship you need to regain that trust and strong feelings of jealousy are a good sign that you have some way to go. You should talk frankly to your partner about this and ultimately you have to be honest with each other about whether the trust can be re-built.
If you feel jealous about your partners close friends (of the opposite gender), but they have not cheated or otherwise given you reason to mis-trust them then you should start by asking yourself why it is that you are feeling this way.
Often jealousy in this situation is caused if you feel like your partner is spending more time with friends than with you, or puts a certain friend first.
The best way to deal with this is to be honest – don’t cast blame, because there could be some element of blame on both of you and ultimately it is on both of you to patch up the damage. Don’t give ultimatums because these will just pull you apart, and if your partner has not done anything wrong this may push him/her further away from you.
Anyone And Everyone:
What do you do if you are constantly jealous of everyone who looks at your partner? This sort of mindset is often stereotyped to certain types of men, but women can have it too. Again, assuming your partner is infact innocent (which they probably are unless you know otherwise), this is kind of on you.
This doesn’t mean that you have to get over it on your own of course, and once again, talking is key. Be honest with your partner about how you feel and tell him/her that you want to work to not be so jealous. Although you certainly shouldn’t blame your partner, there is plenty your partner can do to help.
This sort of jealousy is often the result of insecurity and may indicate that you are not totally confident of your relationship lasting. Building your confidence takes time and support, ask yourself why you might feel insecure and ask for reassurance if you need it – talking about these issues will only serve to bring you closer, this alone can help an awful lot.
About The Author:
My name is Alex from FlirtingHub.com. I love writing about love and relationships, helping others to find their perfect partners and helping to make relationships last. I hope you enjoyed reading my guest post.
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