God my heart is broken

A few years ago I came down with a serious illness. A bacterial infection destroyed my mitral valve, which put me in the early stages of heart failure. Not only did I have to follow the medical path laid out before me, I also had to put my house in order in the event that I would not recover. Over the course of the following two years, I took notes on every phase of my journey—from diagnosis to open-heart surgery, to recovery, to rehabilitation, to re-entry.

Experiences like this introduce new sets of questions we never knew to ask. One thing I wrestled with during the months following my surgery centered on the anger I felt. Anger is a common experience in affliction. It’s part wounded pride, part protest against the frailty we intuitively believe does not belong.

As I wrestled with my own anger, this is what I wrote:

One thing I know I must do is pay attention to what is going on not only in my body but also in my mind and heart, and right now my heart is fighting a war. I’m angry.

It’s in keeping with the human condition to want to find some reason for affliction. We utter nonsense like, “Everything happens for a reason.” A cause, yes. A reason? I’m not always so sure. We look for healing, and we look for something or someone to blame.

As we cycle through the stages of grief—denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance—we face the almost impossible task of trying to pin down what is true and then hold it there. But if I’m going to steward the anger in my heart, I must try.

Heart Breaker

What if it was God who broke my heart?

I believe it was. Though I don’t know all the reasons he brought this suffering on me, there are truths I know about God that lead me to believe my particular season of affliction comes from his hand and that it’s for my good.

Historically, God deals with those he loves by breaking them. He leads people to the edge of themselves and then shoves them off into the unknown. He topples the towers to heaven we try to build. He confuses us to the point where we have to stop what we’re doing and walk away because we can no longer carry on the work that once seemed so right and so clear.god my heart is broken

This is my God, the divine thwarter. He’s fiercely committed to opposing any attempts I might make to claim my independence from him. Because of his loving-kindness he moves me always deeper into a posture of dependence. Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil because he’s with me.

I don’t like being thwarted, but shall I receive good from God and not also trouble? The voices that say, Recover so you can get back to normal, grossly underestimate the gift of this wrecked life.

Why is it a gift?

Because I’d have no compelling reason to step from my comfortable existence into the quest for what’s next if my present security wasn’t taken from me. It’s rare for a man to plan his own journey toward growth and change. Usually these journeys are thrust on us unexpectedly. It seldom occurs to us to even consider them until the storm tears through and levels what we know.

Historically, God deals with those he loves by breaking them.

If my ego tried to plan this journey, it would be limited by the expectations of what I would already hope to find. There would be no element of surprise, wonder, or faith—just a forced march toward a future my present self assumes is what I need. That would not be a journey of faith but of control—and a fool’s errand. Faith is the conviction to trust that there are good things out beyond what I can see and would never know to pursue—glorious things God himself will bring to pass. I need those glorious things.

I also needed what God has brought. I needed to lose control. I needed a broken heart. I needed to be dipped in the crucible of suffering. Why? I may never fully know. But the God who brings his children low doesn’t do it for spite. He does it to awaken desire, like a pang of hunger in the newly risen phoenix that makes it unfurl its wings to fly. He does it to give us new eyes so that we might see the world in a new light. He does it to stop us from continuing down the path we’re on and to set us on a new one. He grants us weakness so that we might not trust too much in our own strength. “Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked shall I return. The LORD gave, and the LORD has taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD” (Job 1:21).

Severe Mercy

God deals in a sort of divine wisdom that often leaves earthbound creatures clueless. We emerge after the storm and can’t process the changes we see, but those changes send us down a road of renewal. We can be a good way down that road before we even know we’re on it. What if the bacterium in my heart was a Father’s wise and loving gift to his son? What if it was what C. S. Lewis called God’s “severe mercy”—an act of love meant to return my heart to him by dealing a blow to my self-sufficiency?

If my affliction was a severe mercy to awaken in me my need of God, then it’s a wise gift from a loving hand.

So then, what do I do with the anger that accompanies it? I wait for the fury to subside, and then I study what just came over me. When I do this, here is what I see: My initial flashes of rage are the way my heart rises to say I was not ready for this—like the surliness in a child just waking up.

The God who brings his children low doesn’t do it for spite.

The initial anger I experience is a response to the feeling of being suddenly disconnected from the life I knew. It’s an animalistic reflex; I’m a lion whose mane has been shaved, and I’m looking for ways to make myself appear bigger. Untamed anger has the capacity to be a great danger to myself and others. I must pay attention to it. I must interrogate it. I must apologize for it when I hurt others with it. It’s an open wound in my heart, and I don’t know how long it will take to heal.

But even though it’s untamed, my anger is anchored in something true. My anger is a protest against suffering. It’s a groan for a life free from pain. It’s an ache for the end of affliction and death.

To this I say to my anger, “Amen and amen,” even though I know I must keep one eye trained on it, lest it rise up and consume me.

Editors’ note: This is an adapted excerpt from Russ Ramsey’s new book, Struck: One Christian’s Reflections on Encountering Death (IVP, 2017).

www.thegospelcoalition.org

Данный перевод песни на русском языке является художественным, т.е. перевод недословный. Чтобы узнать дословный перевод песни, можете наводить мышкой на английские слова.

My heart is broken

I will wander till the end of time
torn away from you.

I pull away to face the pain.

I close my eyes and drift away.
Over the fear that I will never find
A way to heal my soul.
And I will wander till the end of time
Torn away from you.

My heart is broken

Sweet, sleep my dark angel
Deliver us from sorrow’s hold
Or from my hard heart.

I can’t go on living this way

And I can’t go back the way I came
Shamed of this fear that I will never find
A way to heal my soul
And I will wander till the end of time
Half a life without you

My heart is broken

Sweet sleep, my dark angel
Deliver us

Change – open your eyes to the light

I denied it all so long, oh so long
Say goodbye, goodbye

My heart is broken

Release me, I can’t hold on
Deliver us
My heart is broken
Sweet sleep, my dark angel
Deliver us
My heart is broken
Sweet sleep, my dark angel
Deliver us from sorrow’s hold

Мое сердце разбито

Я буду скитаться до конца своих дней,
Разлученная с тобой…

Я бросаюсь вперед, чтобы встретиться с болью,

Закрываю глаза и уплываю,
Превозмогая страх того, что никогда не найду
Способ исцелить свою душу.
И я буду скитаться до конца своих дней,
Разлученная с тобой.

Мое сердце разбито…

Милый, спи, мой темный ангел.
Избавь нас от объятий скорби,
И от тяжести, что лежит на моем сердце.

Я больше не могу так жить,

Но и назад дороги нет.
Я стыжусь страха того, что никогда не найду
Способ исцелить свою душу.
И я буду скитаться до конца своих дней,
Живя лишь наполовину без тебя.

Мое сердце разбито…

Милый, спи, мой темный ангел.
Избавь нас…

Изменись — открой глаза навстречу свету!

Я так долго не желала смириться, так долго!
Но теперь пришло время прощаться.

Мое сердце разбито.

Освободи меня, я больше не могу держаться,
Избавь нас…
Мое сердце разбито…
Милый, спи, мой темный ангел.
Избавь нас…
Мое сердце разбито…
Милый, спи, мой темный ангел.
Избавь нас от объятий скорби.

begin-english.ru

Представленный перевод песни Evanescence – My Heart is Broken на русский язык не претендует на дословную точность. Текст и слова песни являются собственностью их авторов.

My Heart is Broken

I will endure till the end of time
Torn away from you

I pull away to face the pain

I close my eyes and drift away
Over the fear that I will never find
A way to heal my soul
And I will endure till the end of time
Torn away from you

My heart is broken

Sweet, sleep my dark angel
Deliver us from sorrow’s hold
Or from my hard heart.

I can’t go on living this way

And I can’t go back the way I came
Shamed of this fear

That I will never find

A way to heal my soul
And I will endure till the end of time
Half a life without you
My heart is broken
Sweet sleep, my dark angel
Deliver us

Change – open your eyes to the light

I’m so alone
Who’s alone

Say goodbye, goodbye

My heart is broken

Release me, I can’t hold on
Deliver us

My heart is broken

Sweet sleep, my dark angel
Deliver us

My heart is broken

Sweet sleep, my dark angel
Deliver us from sorrow’s hold

Мое сердце разбито

Я буду терпеть до конца
Отдаляясь от тебя

Я лицом к лицу с болью,

Я закрываю глаза и отдаляюсь.
От страха, что больше никогда не увижу,
В поисках исцеления моей души.
Я буду терпеть всё до конца,
Отдаляясь от тебя.

Моё сердце разбито.

Спи сладко, мой тёмный ангел.
Избавь нас от скорби
Или от моего тяжёлого сердца.

Я не могу продолжать жить таким образом,

И я не могу вернуться туда, откуда пришла,
Стыдясь страха,

Что я никогда не найду

Способа исцелить мою душу.
И я буду терпеть всё до конца –
Половину жизни без тебя.
Моё сердце разбито.
Спи сладко, мой тёмный ангел.
Избавь нас..

Изменись – открой глаза.

Я так одинока.
Кто одинок?

Попрощайся, скажи “Прощай”.

Моё сердце разбито.

Отпусти меня, я не могу удержаться.
Избавь нас…

Моё сердце разбито.

Спи сладко, мой тёмный ангел.
Избавь нас..

Моё сердце разбито.

Спи сладко, мой тёмный ангел.
Избавь нас от скорби.

perevod-pesen.com

I will endure till the end of time
Torn away from you

I pull away to face the pain

I close my eyes and drift away
Over the fear that I will never find
A way to heal my soul
And I will endure till the end of time
Torn away from you

My heart is broken

Sweet, sleep my dark angel
Deliver us from sorrow’s hold
Or from my hard heart.

I can’t go on living this way

And I can’t go back the way I came
Shamed of this fear

That I will never find

A way to heal my soul
And I will endure till the end of time
Half a life without you
My heart is broken
Sweet sleep, my dark angel
Deliver us

Change – open your eyes to the light

I’m so alone
Who’s alone

Say goodbye, goodbye

My heart is broken

Release me, I can’t hold on
Deliver us

My heart is broken

Sweet sleep, my dark angel
Deliver us

My heart is broken

Sweet sleep, my dark angel
Deliver us from sorrow’s hold

Я буду терпеть до конца
Отдаляясь от тебя

Я лицом к лицу с болью,

Я закрываю глаза и отдаляюсь.
От страха, что больше никогда не увижу,
В поисках исцеления моей души.
Я буду терпеть всё до конца,
Отдаляясь от тебя.

Моё сердце разбито.

Спи сладко, мой тёмный ангел.
Избавь нас от скорби
Или от моего тяжёлого сердца.

Я не могу продолжать жить таким образом,

И я не могу вернуться туда, откуда пришла,
Стыдясь страха,

Что я никогда не найду

Способа исцелить мою душу.
И я буду терпеть всё до конца –
Половину жизни без тебя.
Моё сердце разбито.
Спи сладко, мой тёмный ангел.
Избавь нас..

Изменись – открой глаза.

Я так одинока.
Кто одинок?

Попрощайся, скажи “Прощай”.

Моё сердце разбито.

Отпусти меня, я не могу удержаться.
Избавь нас…

Моё сердце разбито.

Спи сладко, мой тёмный ангел.
Избавь нас..

Моё сердце разбито.

Спи сладко, мой тёмный ангел.
Избавь нас от скорби.

trsongs.ru

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