I received this question about a week ago from our anonymous Have A Question page:
My husband is not saved, so his perception of sex is a lot different than mine. Now don’t get me wrong, after 12 years of marriage, 2 kids, and menopause, we have an excellent sex life, but his attitude has always been that it’s just a physical release. Although it feels awesome, my view has been that it is not only a physical connection between husband and wife, but a spiritual one as well. It is a time for us to become “”one flesh”” and grow more intimate. His view on sex is more like the world’s at times and he will often refer to it as the ever infamous “”F”” word, which makes it cheap and dirty. I should state that this is not my perception, but his actual words about sex. In the 12 years we have been together, we have truly only made love less than 10 times and the rest have been just the physical release. Like I said, I don’t mind the pleasure or having fun part of sex, but there are many times it seems shallow and cheap. How is a believing wife to address a severe lack of intimacy that she so desperately craves despite a fairly active sex life?
So, how do you turn sex into a spiritual connection with an unsaved spouse? I’ll address that in a minute. First, I want to tackle of a couple of sub points.
Sex doesn’t always have to be for emotional connection
His view on sex is more like the world’s at times and he will often refer to it as the ever infamous “”F”” word, which makes it cheap and dirty.
Of course his view of sex is the world’s. That said, there’s nothing wrong with sex as a simple physical activity. Recreation sex, in my books, is perfectly okay. It’s not cheap or dirty, it’s just fun. I know it might not be the whole romantic emotional experience you are wanting, but that doesn’t make it bad.
Emotional connection is often an individual experience
In the 12 years we have been together, we have truly only made love less than 10 times and the rest have been just the physical release.
I’m also curious how you gauge these experiences. So far as I can tell, there is nothing that makes one experience “making love” vs another one. In fact, I’d hazard a guess and say that it’s more an individual experience. One spouse may find one experience really connecting and another found it just to be a good release.
The same thing happens in church services. One member will say “I really felt God was in the room” while another feels completely abandoned by God. Since His is everywhere…it’s more about your awareness of Him than about whether or not God is actually there. You cannot manufacture God’s presence, any more than you can manufacture a “making love” experience. If you feel disconnected, I suggest that a mindset shift may be in order on your side.
What does darkness have to do with the light?
Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness? What harmony is there between Christ and Belial? Or what does a believer have in common with an unbeliever? What agreement is there between the temple of God and idols? For we are the temple of the living God. As God has said:
“I will live with them
and walk among them,
and I will be their God,
and they will be my people.”
“Come out from them
and be separate,
says the Lord.
Touch no unclean thing,
and I will receive you.” – 2 Corinthians 6:14-17
Lastly, he’s not saved. You’re craving a spiritual connection, because it’s not there. It can’t be. He doesn’t have the same spiritual framework as you do. Arguably his entire framework for life and existence is radically different. I’m sorry, but that’s what you lose when you don’t have a spouse of the same faith. I’m sure some people think I’m not being compassionate, and that’s not so. I’ve seen family members decide to love non-believers. I get how difficult it is. However, you made the choice, and I’m not going to excuse that. As it stands, the two solutions are:
- He accepts Christ
- You abandon Christ
Unfortunately you can’t force the first, and the second is trading eternal paradise for a hope of short term happiness now. That’s why marrying outside the faith is so dangerous. In fact, our denomination won’t even marry you to someone in another denomination. Too often one spouse abandons the truth. I’ve seen that in my own family. A great many of others lead to divorce, which I’ve also seen in family. One of my sister-in-laws is going through that now. I don’t think that’s a viable solution though, because the Bible is clear that’s not an option:
And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. – 1 Corinthians 7:13
In other words, we need to hold out for a hope they will meet Christ through us.
What do you do about spiritual intimacy?
You accept that you may never see it in your marriage. You accepted that, perhaps unknowingly, when you married him. Even if he was a belief when you married him, you accepted to stay with him through the good and bad. Well, this is the bad.
Instead, grow your relationship with Christ. This will have two benefits:
- By becoming more Christ-like you will perhaps make Christianity more attractive for your spouse. Let him see Christ in you, every day. Let him fall in love with Christ with you as His ambassador.
- Christ will help you carry though when its lonely. God is all you need. It may not be ideal, but He’s enough.
Furthermore, there are things you can do in your marriage.
Firstly, realize that while you can rely on God to fulfill your spiritual intimacy needs, your husband has no one to turn to. You may feel alone, but your husband is truly alone (if only by his own choice). All you have to do is be more aware of God, whom you already believe in. He needs to bridge an incredible chasm of unbelief in order to reach out to God. That’s not easy. He may not express this need, and he may not even be aware of it. But, it’s there. We’re created to want that spiritual connection. Unfortunately, we often try to fulfill it the wrong way … or drown it out.
Secondly, respect him. Just because he’s not where you are doesn’t mean he’s less valuable as a person. I heard from somewhere “Inside every man is a king and a kid. Whichever one you speak to will respond.” If you treat him as an inferior because he’s not saved, then you will be inviting contempt into your marriage. Typically, marriages don’t survive long after contempt starts to set in. Don’t let it gain a foothold in your marriage. Rather, submit to your husband:
Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives. (1 Peter 3:1–2, NIV)
The Bible is clear that submission is not contingent on your husband being a believer. Of course, he can’t overrule God’s laws, but in all other things, do your best. Witness to him with your life more than your words. By submitting to your husband, you are modeling for him how to submit to God. It’s not a display of weakness, but of strength.
Lastly, never stop praying for him. For him. Not for him to be saved so your marriage is better. Pray because you want him to know Christ. Not so that sex will have this spiritual connection. That’s not the priority here, though I know it might feel like it some times. Let’s not let our sexual desires overshadow our kingdom tasks.
I hope that helps, and if any of my readers are in similar situations, I welcome your input (and others too of course).
Have a Question? Ask it here! 37 Questions for spouses to ask each other about sex
Subscribe to get the 2 page PDF full of questions to help you and your spouse start to talk about your sex life.
Welcome to the community! Check your email for the download link.
How To Reach Your Unsaved Spouse
Listen online at – or years ago a man named Martin Ross found himself more in love with a bottle of alcohol than anything else. Despite the earnest prayers of Bertha, his deeply committed wife, he had no interest in Christianity. But Bertha was faithful to God and faithful to her husband. She never gave up on him. She prayed and trusted the Lord. And in His timing, God did a great work in Ross’ life. he was born again, He submitted his life to the Lord, gave up alcohol and entered the ministry. Eventually he became a preacher at a Baptist church in Brooktondale, New York. He was always ready to share his testimony with others. Often he said that he would rather have Jesus than anything the world offered. His daughter Rhea had heard him make this statement many times and when she was twenty-eight while walking through the fields near her home reflecting on her father’s changed life, She wrote a poem which eventually became George Beverly Shea’s signature song “I’d Rather Have Jesus”. All of this was possible because of the influence of a godly Christian wife who loved her Lord and loved her husband.
Today marriage is a topic that is at the forefront of the news. Recently our government has attempted to redefine marriage. Marriage is not nor will it ever be defined by any national government. Marriage is defined by God… Marriage was ordained by God . God has a specific plan concerning marriage…. One man, one woman…FOR LIFE!!! Jesus said in – Mark 10:6 But from the beginning of the creation God made them male and female.
God’s ultimate plan is not just for a man and woman to be together forever. God wants a couple to bring honor and glory to His name. In order for this to happen, both the male & female must have Christ as their first priority. As individuals and as a couple your life should be focused on bringing honor and glory to your Father in Heaven. Paul gives us some important information about how to choose a spouse in 2 Corinthians 6:14 Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness?
Do you see that? Ladies, your goal should not be to find a man who is financially stable. You should not be searching for the strongest… most handsome man. If you are here and you are single you should not settle for anything less than a man of God!! – Men, as tempting as it may be, looks are not the most important aspect in a prospective mate. Don’t spend your time trying to find a woman who can cook like your mother. If you are here and you are single you need to make sure that your first question to that special lady is “Are you a Christian”?
When a couple comes and asks me to perform their wedding the first thing I ask is “have you both been born again?” And you would be amazed at how many ladies cannot tell you if their fiancé has ever been saved… and visa versa. No matter how much you “love” someone, if they are not born again they are not for you! You can do all that you can to try to justify it, but the Bible says “not to be unequally yoked with unbelievers” .
Maybe you are here and you are already married to an unsaved person. This happens in many marriages today. Sometimes a couple will get married and they are both lost. Then later on one of the two gets saved. Sometimes a believer will marry a nonbeliever simply because they have not been taught the precepts that we will cover in this sermon. And there are those occasions when and individual knows better and they are so “in love” that they will ignore biblical teaching and marry a lost person anyways. And usually this is done with the hope that somehow…someway they will be able to lead that spouse to faith in Christ.
Regardless of the reason, I know that there may be some of you in that situation. So, What should you do? How should you act? What would God have you to do if you are in this situation? Peter addresses this predicament in our selected text. He tells the wife specifically how she should act toward her unsaved husband.
In the preceding verses Peter examines Christ’s submission at the cross…He now states that the wife should have this same sort of submission to her husband even if he is an unbeliever. We also see in these verses the motivation and the possible consequences of this submission. If these instructions are followed there is a chance that the unbelieving spouse may be converted. The ultimate goal of scripture is to bring lost men and women to salvation. And this text shows one way that can be accomplished.
Being in a marriage where your spouse does not share your faith in Christ can sometimes be a difficult experience. If your faith is central to the way you live your life, not being able to share that with your spouse can be trying at times. More so, your love for your spouse will mean that you are concerned for his or her spiritual wellbeing. One of the greatest acts of love you can show to someone is praying for them and one of the most powerful things you can do for your marriage is to pray regularly for your spouse. You are the one person that loves your spouse more than anyone else in the world and if you don’t pray for them who will? You need to bear in mind that praying for your spouse without referring to God’s word is no more effective than wishful thinking. To pray effectively you need to be armed with God’s word. God’s promises are your guarantee for answered prayers. Don’t be random in your approach to prayer. Base your prayers on specific promises from God’s word and see His will unfold in your spouse’s life. Below is a guide on how to pray for your unsaved spouse with relevant scriptures.
Know that you are praying in line with God’s will
One of the most comforting scriptures to refer to when you’re praying for an unsaved person, especially your spouse, is 2 Peter 3:9. ‘The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. Instead he is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance.’ It is God’s will that your spouse finds salvation so when you are praying along these lines, you can be confident that you are praying in line with God’s will. God does not want your spouse to miss out on eternal life so He will continue to work to bring him or her to salvation. If you have been praying for your spouse for a long time, remember that God has not given up on them yet so neither should you. Because your spouse’s will is involved it might take a while because God will not override a person’s will. However, you can rest assured that God is able to manoeuvre your spouse into a position where he or she becomes willing to receive Christ, even if He has to give them a Paul-like experience!
Pray that your spouse’s heart will be turned towards God
You may look at your spouse’s lifestyle and be tempted to think that he or she is an impossible case. Jesus has touched people far more rebellious against Him than your spouse so rest assured that He is able to deliver on His promise. God specialises in softening hard hearts. Hear Him in Jeremiah 24:7. ‘I will give them a heart to know me, that I am the Lord. They will be my people, and I will be their God, for they will return to me with all their heart.’ He goes further to say in Ezekiel 36:26, ‘I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.’ These are all scriptures you can claim for your spouse. Pray that God will change his or her heart so that they will have a desire to walk with the Lord.
Pray for God to send the right person to influence your spouse for Christ
It is frequently the case that unsaved spouses are more open to learning about God from someone else other than their spouse. You might say the same thing over and over without seemingly producing any response. Suddenly, someone else comes into your spouse’s life as a Christian witness and they are more open to receiving. This is why it is usually best to stick to praying for your spouse rather than preaching at them. Your spouse is more likely to be won over by your kind and godly conduct than by anything you say. If your spouse asks questions about your faith, by all means share Christ with them in a non-judgemental manner. However, there is usually something less threatening about a neutral person pointing out our need for a life-change than a spouse who knows all our faults. In Luke 10:2 Jesus says, ‘The harvest is plentiful, but the workers are few. Ask the Lord of the harvest, therefore, to send out workers into his harvest field.’ Ask God to send someone into your spouse’s life who will lead them to Christ and will serve as a positive influence.
Pray that your conduct will be a positive influence
Don’t forget to pray for yourself, asking God to position you to be a help and not a hindrance to your spouse finding salvation. Ask God to help you relate with your spouse in a wise manner that reinforces the work of the Holy Spirit in his or her life. James 3:17-18 reminds us that ‘…the wisdom that is from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, willing to yield, full of mercy and good fruits, without partiality and without hypocrisy. Now the fruit of righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace.’ Being wise in your approach to your unsaved spouse is especially important when it is the husband who is unsaved. Any man will resist being told what to do by his wife which is why 1 Peter 3:1-4 makes it clear that a husband is more likely to be won ‘without a word’ from his wife. Men are more likely to respond to the silent witness of their wife’s godly life than nagging from her to change their ways. The Message version of that scripture puts it this way. ‘Be good wives to your husbands, responsive to their needs. There are husbands who, indifferent as they are to any words about God, will be captivated by your life of holy beauty.’ A kind, caring, non-judgemental attitude from his wife is the highest witness an unsaved man can experience. There is no point expecting your husband to act like a believer if he is not. Berating him for an ungodly lifestyle will do nothing to change him, and may even harden him. Remember, you cannot hold him to Christian standards of living until he actually accepts Christ.
Remind God that you’re trusting in Him
God is not depending on you to bring your spouse to salvation. He is quite capable of orchestrating that Himself. What He does need you to do is to bring the matter to Him and persist in intercession. No matter how hard your spouse’s heart is, God has a formula for softening it so don’t lose hope, even if it takes longer than you would have liked. Hear the words of Jeremiah 32:17, 26-27. ‘Ah, Sovereign Lord, you have made the heavens and the earth by your great power and outstretched arm. Nothing is too hard for you.’ ‘Then the word of the Lord came to Jeremiah: “I am the Lord, the God of all mankind. Is anything too hard for me?”’ Nothing is too hard for God – even your spouse’s salvation. Trust God, do not be discouraged and do not give up. Philippians 4:6-7 encourages us in this respect. ‘Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.’ Do what you can do, pray and be at peace that God will do what only He can do.
If this has been helpful to you, please pass it on to someone else and leave me a comment on Facebook.
There are saved women who are married to men who are yet in sin, but are good providers, treat their wives with respect, and are honorable in their homes.
Please be a wise woman and build your house according to the pattern ABBA has designed marriage.
Too many women get saved, then listen to unwise counsel when it comes to dealing with their husbands.
Knowing how to be that godly woman who can win her husband is a important factor.
From dealing with women who damaged their homes and lost their husbands because of their behavior, let me point out a few things that are done wrong, when it comes to dealing with a unsaved spouse:
- Do not be a judge over your husband.
Women, you can’t condemn your husband to hell, calling him a heathen and sinner 24/7, and expect to win him over.
- Do not compare your husband constantly to male leaders in your church.
No man wants to hear you bragging on another man all the time.
- Stop telling him what your Pastor says that should be going on in your house.
No man will allow another man to run his house.
You keep saying what Pastor say he needs to be doing, and you are going to cause the Pastor to get a visit Pastor not going to like.
- Wives, if your husband wants to take you on a date during one of the nights of church, you can go.
Really, you can miss church to spend some time with your husband.
You not going to hell or lose your soul because of it.
You’re trying to win your husband, not make him turn against ABBA.
- Wives, intimate time is important.
Take time to sit, talk, share and be romantic with your husband.
You will be surprised as to how men change when they are made to feel important to you.
- Stop trying to always preach, pray and prophesy to him, and just be a wife to him.
Put the prayer shawl up, the anointed oil down. Praying all night, every night, your husband won’t understand all that you’re trying to discuss in the household.
- Do not sneak large amounts of money for giving to your Pastor, especially if the Pastor is single.
A man is funny about his wife giving money that he has worked for, to another man and women.
Even if you work, be careful, because he will want to know why you are working taking care of another man.
And now they are even questioning you taking care of a woman.
- Be careful of any leader who tries to keep you away from your household.
Your Pastor should not be asking you to disobey your husband, or keep you away from your household seven days a week.
If your leader is not promoting family and marriage, then you need to pray.
Sometimes these leaders are selfish or they want you for themselves.
- Wives, the anointing does not stop you from cooking, cleaning and washing.
Getting saved does not exempt you from taking care of your household or husband.
For some crazy reason, once women get saved, they think they don’t have to do anything anymore for their husband, because he is a sinner.
You can’t win him over that way!
- Wives, you yet need to be attractive to your husband.
You can take off that sanctified head rag, that prehistoric gown, that tired worn out house dress, like you are rebuking your husband from desiring you.
Oh how you dress up to go to church for others to see, but don’t look good for your husband.
- Wives, don’t make your husband seem inadequate, now that you’re saved.
Get rid of the self-righteous attitudes toward him, making it seem like you are better than him.
Remember, you were in sin also, until you were born again.
- Use wisdom when witnessing to your husband.
Timing and approach attitude and character needs to be godly.
Tell ABBA to give you the way and words to win your husband.
Now there are women that get saved but have husbands that are unfaithful unkind and dealing with major issues you have to have great wisdom dealing with these kind of men once you become born again.
- If he is a abuser, know that you becoming a child of YAH may make his anger greater because of the peace you now have, and the strength you gain, through your relationship with YAH.
He may verbally attack you more, or physically. In those cases that are life threatening I do recommend safety.
I’ve seen women get killed, by not protecting themselves.
I don’t care what nobody says, ABBA is not telling you to stay in a situation where you are getting physically beaten day and night, threatened with guns and knives and putting your children and yourselves in harms way.
In those situations, you need to remove yourselves until the abuser gets help and deliverance.
- Pray and cover yourself spiritually if you have a cheating spouse.
Also take precaution, naturally if they are a cheater, to reduce the chances of you contacting any STD.
I know to many women who have contacted a disease because they didn’t use wisdom.
Have a ADULT conversation with your husband about your concerns.
- If they are on drugs or alcohol, you know there will be financial issues, because of their addictions.
Use wisdom with the finances.
Now there are functional addicts. They will hold a job just to make their drug money.
I have also seen men who had addictions yet who would give the wives the bill money for the month, but waste the rest on their habits.
You won’t have extra savings, so you won’t get ahead, but you will perhaps get your bills paid!
These are just a few observations of some things I have seen take place dealt with by helping others and experienced myself.
I pray these little words of advice help. Whenever you’re having marital issues seek advice from your leader if they are capable of helping you or somebody of wisdom that is not bias in the situations.
You will be surprise at the people that ask for help but get upset when you point out that the are the cause of the problem in the marriage and not their unsaved spouse.
Love you and let’s end this month right!
~ Apostle Barbara R. Thomas
Apostle Barbara R. Thomas is founder of I Come to Heal Ministries, A Woman’s touch Ministry, The Next Dimension Global Outreach Ministries and Spoken Word School of Ministry and is on a mission, travelling the world, proclaiming the Gospel, for souls to be won to the Kingdom of God. She has life mandate to help bring others to their divine purpose.
Back to Top