Jesus broken heart

This is a true story.  It is my personal testimony of coming to know Jesus.  I have changed names to protect privacy.

I grew up in suburban Detroit, in a quiet neighborhood, with two story colonial houses and large oak trees lining the street.  Playing outside was something I enjoyed doing every day after school.  My parents had a large family.  All throughout my childhood they told us that they had wanted to have us all.  My Mom believed that God had communicated to her that He wanted her to have as many children as she did.  Together they had 14 children!

My siblings and I shared very special relationships with one another and I especially enjoyed my role as the oldest sister. I tried my best to look after my younger brothers and sisters and loved being someone that they looked up to.  Most of the time, we all got along, even though there were sometimes painful exchanges which would require my Mom to act as a mediator since my Dad was usually working to provide for all of our needs.

Our home was run in some ways like a military ship with my Mom on deck as the officer in charge.  She kept order with strict discipline, and often wielded an item called, “The Board of Education,” which unfortunately for me, found its way to my backside more often than I would like to admit.

Due to my parents being very strict, my Mom was only able to give what she had within her and since she had many different areas where she was pouring out, her attempts to nurture me did not have the consistency that she may have desired.  Due to the lack of an intimate, tender, relationship with my mom, I was afraid to approach her after I was sexually assaulted at the age of 8.

I felt so terribly alone and the guy who done this threatened to kill me if I ever told anyone.  He told me that I was a prostitute and that it was my fault that he had done these things to me.    These sexual assaults  completely shattered my childhood world and my tender flowering  femininity had been severely damaged, leaving me with a perverted view of sex.

I despised myself for being a female, and figured that if I had not been a female, than this would never have happened to me.

When I was in 5th grade, my elementary school had an after school program called Bible Club. Even though I had heard about Jesus from my parents and at church, it was the first time that I realized that I needed to respond to Him by opening up the door of my heart.

The teacher read where Jesus says,

“Behold, I stand at the door, and knock: if any man hear My Voice, and open the door, I will come in to him, and will eat with him, and he with Me.” 

Revelation 3:20

My young heart finally understood that Jesus wanted to live on the inside of me.  The teacher had us close our eyes and pray.  I bowed my head and prayed from my heart, “Jesus please forgive me of my sins, will You come into my heart?”

As I imagined opening up the door of my heart to Him, I literally felt Him tangibly entering into me.  It was the first time in my life that I felt His Presence and it felt so good!  I was so excited that I ran home and told my Mom all about it.  She was absolutely thrilled. This was the beginning of my prayer life and would continue my talks with God each night while lying in bed.  I felt so very close to Him and my heart was so full of love for Him.  I would squeeze my pillow as hard as I could, telling Him how much I loved Him.

One night, I found the courage to talk to Him about the sexual assaults.  I prayed that He would stop them from happening again.  Sadly, they continued.  This marked a significant break between the Lord and me.  My relationship with Him changed and I wondered if He mad at me and if it really had been my fault after all.  I didn’t have anyone that I could confide in and talk to them about these things.  I sometimes wonder if I had what my life would have been like.  But I was alone in carrying my shameful burden and so I began to just survive.

Our family continued to attend church, but for me, it felt like I was just going through the motions of knowing God.  As I matured into a young woman, I continued to hide my shameful secret from others.    The truth was, deep down I felt so terribly ugly and dirty.

I felt like I was an impostor around other girls my age.  They all seemed to be so happy and care free.  I admired their femininity and couldn’t understand why I felt so awkward about mine.  I wanted to hide my changing figure and did so by wearing baggy clothes to escape being noticed by unwanted male attention.  I even borrowed clothes from my brothers’ closet to wear, since I felt more comfortable in them.

In high school, I started smoking marijuana and drinking and taking Mescaline.  I was able to hide my double life from my parents and sometimes carried on conversations with my Mom while high on drugs.  She had no idea what signs to look for since I was the first child in the family to experiment with drugs.

Even though I passed my classes in high school, I didn’t really grasp what I was supposed to be learning.  I found it hard to concentrate on the subjects and started coming to class high on drugs.  Other classmates would allow me to copy their homework assignments and as far as taking tests I did my best to ad lib.

In my senior year I started skipping classes with more frequency to go and do drugs and hang out with my steady boyfriend.  My heart had grown harder and more rebellious towards God and my parents.

In 1988, after barely graduating from high school, I moved to Royal Oak, where I shared an apartment with a friend from high school.  She introduced me to the night club scene and we began to frequent the clubs that played Alternative Music which was “new” then.  These clubs attracted all different types of people, some of which were bi-sexuals and homosexuals. Due to my sheltered upbringing, I had never met anyone gay, until then.

In 1991, I moved to a city inside of Detroit called Hamtramck, with my new boyfriend that I had met while working as a Nursing Assistant in the hospital.  He was much older than I was and was a total alcoholic.  One day, he brought our next door neighbors upstairs to our flat for a drink. They were a punk couple around my age. The girl’s name was Jacki and the guy’s name was Max. Jacki had a super short haircut and no eyebrows. She told me she had shaved them off for a fashion show photo shoot. Max had a purple mohawk and was talking to my boyfriend about cutting up human cadavers!  They were the strangest, yet most fascinating, people I had ever met in my life.  Jacki had a small build and I was shocked to hear her stories of beating up “bimbos” in the punk club where she worked as a female bouncer.  As she described the bloody details, I observed a toughness in her that struck a chord within me.   She seemed to have no shame in releasing her violent anger upon unsuspecting club goers.  She looked for opportunities to get into fights so that she could sharpen her fighting skills.  Initially, I was not physically attracted to her, in fact she scared me, yet I was attracted to her toughness.  I felt very privileged when she invited to the punk club, especially since it was a club that was not advertised anywhere.  The only way to hear about it was by word of mouth and I was hearing about it from someone who worked there!

One night after getting off work around 11:00 pm I decided to go and check out “City Club.”  I followed the directions that Jacki had given me which led me to a high rise hotel in a very dangerous part of Detroit.  The entrance to the club was in the back of the building.  There was no one around as I opened the heavy black iron door, and climbed the stairs.

I could hear the pounding of punk music as I came to the second iron door.  As I pulled it open, I was surprised and terrified to see a large man dressed in all black, wearing gothic makeup.  Seated next to him on a stool was Jacki!  She looked much different than when we first met, because she also was wearing gothic makeup and club attire.

Jacki introduced me to  the large man, his name was Jett.  Immediately I felt fear when I met him and it was causing me to visibly tremble.  I was embarrassed to be trembling in his presence and I did my best to hide it.

He was a very loud, expressive man who immediately started bragging about being a homosexual.  He was fiercely proud of his lust for men and was describing the sexual acts that he does with his boyfriend.  This was the first time in my life that I had ever met someone who was so vocal about liking the same sex.  He also spoke of his violent tendencies that he enjoyed taking out on club goers that caused trouble.  His stories disturbed me and I wanted to get away from him because he really scared me.  However, I noticed that Jacki was completely mesmerized by him. Jett was a drag queen, and up-and-coming fashion designer who was also considered to be a “club god” with a cult following in Detroit.

After Jacki frisked me, I sheepishly entered the club, trying to act as casual as possible even though I was scared.  I had the feeling like I was entering into a haunted house.  I had been to night clubs before but had never been to an underground punk club.  As I made my way over to the bar and ordered a drink, I turned around and noticed a large mural painted in white on the black wall.  It was of Jesus and His disciples at the Last Supper.  I pondered the implications of what this could mean, not realizing at the time that I had just stumbled into a haven for witches and warlocks.  At this point, I didn’t know that Jett was a warlock and was mentoring Jacki in the ways of wicca.

While growing up, my mom had taught us that people who practiced witchcraft got their power from satan.  She also taught us about the demonic realm and that demons had to flee at the Powerful Name of Jesus.  I didn’t think that witchcraft could hurt me since I wasn’t doing it and considered myself to be a Christian.  Looking back, I should’ve run out of this place and as far away from these people as fast I could, but instead, I stayed.

Be not deceived, evil companionship corrupts good morals.  

1 Corinthians 15:33

The anger and rage that I had inwardly felt for years finally manifested as I continued going to this punk club on a weekly basis.  My anger was welcome in this club and even celebrated.  My looks changed, as I shaved my head completely bald, pierced my nose with a safety pin and started getting tattoos.

Jacki had gotten me a job in the club working alongside of her as a female bouncer.  It was during this time in my life that I began to experience the thrill of violence and power. Jacki took me under her wing, teaching me how to fight and introducing me to everyone, including the owner and manager of the club.  Fights broke out on a weekly basis and were very much a part of the club culture.  Even though Jacki was small, she was a fierce fighter and both men and women feared her.

Eventually over time, due to some unpopular choices on Jett’s part, his reign as the Detroit underworld “club god” came to an end and the baton was passed to Jacki, his understudy.  She had learned enough in the ways of wicca to take his place and she did it with the greatest of ease.  She had already risen to prominence in the club scene and had an even larger following than when she shared the spotlight with Jett.

I found myself becoming entranced with Jacki.  We saw eachother ever day and talked for hours on end.  I found myself becoming attracted to her and she seemed to feel it towards me too.

Due to Jacki’s position in the club scene, a local photographer approached her about me posing for a photo that would be put up on two billboards in Detroit.  He wanted someone with a completely shaved head to pose for the shoot.  He was a student at CCS doing a project for school for the new radio station 89X.  He wrote with black, erasable marker, 89X, on the side of my head

Once the billboards went up in Detroit, both Jacki and I experienced more people noticing us. This was new for me and I found it at times to be overwhelming.  I enjoyed being alone and it was on the dance floor that I found solace.  Even in the midst of the loud music and crowd of dancing people, I entered my own little world and expressed myself through dance.  It was on the dance floor that I began to think about God again.  Since I couldn’t deny that He was real, I decided that I would continue to believe in Him but this time, it was going to be on my terms.

Jacki worked at the front door of the club and there were times when I sensed a notable presence about her and wondered to myself if it was satanic.  It was a tangible magnetism which seemed to give her the ability to draw people to her.  She had flocks of people surrounding her in the club and they all seemed to be “in love” with her.  Once, I watched a woman get on her knees in front of her while a crowd of people looked on.  Jacki took this opportunity to show off her power to the crowd by taking off her leather belt and whipping her.  I was alarmed that she had demonstrated such cruelty to the woman on her knees but the woman didn’t seem to mind being treated like this.  The crowd of onlookers loved it and Jacki was loved and feared more than ever.

Jacki’s influence in my life was significant.  She invited me to join her in going to New Age bookstores.  I knew in my heart that these kinds of places were satanic but quickly dismissed the thoughts.  As soon as I stepped into the store bookstore, I was able to sense another realm.  It was a scary yet exciting feeling and I could sense it all around me.  However, the sweet smell of the burning incense dulled my fear of being there which allowed me to be more accepting of it.  I reasoned within myself that since I still believed in Jesus, and knew that He was the Son of God, that I was safe from the harm of these influences.  I also felt that since I personally did not have an interest in this realm, what harm could it be to me if I was there?

Can two walk together, unless they are agreed?  Amos 3:3

Slowly over time, by trading the things that I knew to be true, for lies, my conscience dulled and stopped convicting me of what was wrong. And since I was no longer listening to my conscience, the Truth of the Scriptures that I had learned as a child, were now replaced with what Jacki and I considered to be right or wrong.  I professed to be a Christian but didn’t realize that was no longer believing real Christianity.

…who exchanged the truth of God for the lie, and worshiped and served the creature rather than the Creator, who is blessed forever. Amen. 

Romans 1:25

My employment changed from being a Nursing Assistant at the hospital, to an exotic dancer.  Jacki and I danced for money for two years in Detroit. It was during this time that we left our boyfriends for one another and fully embraced the gay lifestyle.

Do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the Kingdom of God? Do not be deceived.

Neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor homosexuals, nor sodomites, nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners will inherit the kingdom of God.

1 Corinthians 6:9-10

During our first months together, Jacki emotionally abused me, by flirting with other women in front of me to try and make me jealous.  This hurt me so deeply because I had really believed that she loved me.  Now she seemed only interested in dominating me so that she had the freedom to play around with women that she felt could help further her pursuit of power.  She would always give me some sort of crazy explanation as to why she was dancing so closely with other women.  Sadly, I believed her lies because now, they were all I had.

I joined Jacki in the use of the Ouija board, tarot cards and talking to “spirit guides.”  She felt that they were indicating to us that we were going to become rich and famous.  I loved her so much that I believed her and joined her in pursuing her dream.

In 1994, we packed up our things, sold our belongings and moved to Hollywood, California.  We brought along our two other friends, one was a fellow lesbian named Drake, whom Jacki had commissioned to be our body guard and the other was a guy named Joe, who funded everything.  Jacki had met Joe in the strip club and he was “in love” with her.

The four of us arrived in Hollywood on a one way plane ticket. The shuttle from the airport dropped us off on Hollywood Blvd. and Labrea Ave.

We had no place to live, no car, no job and no prospects of anything. So with our 12 suitcases we camped out in a motel for a month.

One night, while still living in the motel, Jacki wanted me to join her in investigating West Hollywood to see what the gay scene was like.  Her one objective was to find out “who was who” in the gay scene.

One evening, we left our two friends in the motel room and set out for West Hollywood.  Since we didn’t have a car yet, we had to walk a few blocks to catch a bus.

What I didn’t realize was that Hollywood is a very dangerous city run by Hispanic street gangs.

It was around 11 pm and little chilly, so, we both wore our biker leathers.     We were dressed in all black;   both of us wearing baseball hats and combat boots. (We looked like two guys.)

As we headed towards Santa Monica Blvd., we noticed two Hispanic guys at a pay phone.  As soon as we passed them, the guy holding the phone immediately slammed the receiver down and both them started to walk right up on us with intent in their steps.  Jacki and I both sensed the danger and stopped our conversation as we waited to see what would happen.  We both were acting as if nothing was wrong and she also seemed to sense that they were going to try and hurt us.  Not knowing what to do, I grasped the chain that was in my pocket and thought about turning around and slamming one of them in the face with it, but I was way too scared.

Fear gripped every fiber of my being as they continued to pursue us.  The hair on the back of my neck was standing straight up and my mind went blank.  Then all of a sudden, I remembered something that my Mom had taught me as a child.  She said that if you were ever in a dangerous situation that you could call on the Name of the Lord and He would help you.

“Whosoever calls upon the Name of the Lord shall be saved.” 

Joel 2:32  

Immediately in my heart, I prayed these words, “Lord, please help!”  As soon as the words left me, a blast of heat came in between us and the two guys!!!  The surge of heat went down the back of my legs and immediately the two guys turned from following us and veered off into a parking lot.  As we continued to walk, I was stunned, not knowing what to say.  Then Jacki broke the silence and asked, “Did you feel that heat???!!”

I exclaimed “YESSSSS!!!!!!” I told her that I had prayed.  She and I both acknowledged that God had answered my prayer.  We both walked down the street thanking God for saving us out of that dangerous situation.

This was the first time since asking Jesus into my heart as a child, and feeling Him come in, that I had ever experienced the Lord answering my prayer!  My heart was so touched that He had answered my prayer in such a dramatic way.  I felt His love for me in a new way which caused me to believe that He was placing His stamp of approval upon my relationship with Jacki.   What I didn’t understand at the time was that God was drawing me to Himself.

The Lord has appeared of old to me, saying: 

“Yes, I have loved you with an Everlasting Love; therefore with loving kindness I have drawn you. 

Jeremiah 31:3

Several weeks after this, we moved from our motel into an apartment off of Hollywood Blvd.

As the months passed, we continued to pursue “who was who” in the gay nightclub scene.  We went to gay bars and clubs almost every night of the week meeting people from all walks of life, from executives, to actresses, producers and musicians, even some movie stars.  We were in over our heads with “who was who.”

The night life in Hollywood was so much different than Detroit. It was like a movie, nobody was real if they hated you, you never knew it because they acted like they loved you.  Acting wasn’t just for the movie screen!  In Detroit, if they hated you they cursed you out and you fought about it.  Jacki and I brought “the Detroit way” to Hollywood and fist fights began happening in the lesbian clubs in West Hollywood.

For employment, we worked at a call center since our crazy looks kept us from getting normal jobs.   We soon joined a talent agency and worked as extras in movies and on TV.

One movie that Drake and I were selected for was called, Virtuosity with Russel Crowe and Denzel Washington.

When the director of the movie saw us come on the set, he decided to create a new scene asking us to walk behind Russel Crowe and make fun of him.  We were delighted to oblige him!

Hollywood had so many “important” people but I soon realized how shallow and empty the pursuit of riches and fame was.  I longed for real conversations with people but found that they cared more for their “image” than they did in being real.  Acting was not only for behind the cameras, it was the way of life.  I’ve never been good at small talk, so I turned to Jack Daniels and dancing to escape.

The Lord continued the process of drawing my heart unto Himself.

“For no one can come to Me

unless the Father who sent Me draws them to Me,

and at the last day I will raise them up.”  

John 6:44

  One night, after returning home from a lesbian club, Jacki, myself and Drake walked into the apartment lobby from the parking garage.  As we waited for the elevator, a guy and his girlfriend were also waiting.  This couple lived on the same floor as ours.  She was a crack addict who had knocked on our door a few times asking us about what it was like to be a lesbian.

All of a sudden, without any warning, the guy turned in rage and grabbed Drake, and threw her into the open elevator.  He was repeatedly pounded her face with his fist while screaming,

“You [email protected]#% DYKE!!!!! $%$% DYKE!!!!

His girlfriend was screaming for him to stop.

Jacki immediately jumped into the elevator to try and help Drake while I was left outside, stunned. Everything had happened so quickly that I didn’t know what to do.  As I watched the blood streaming down Drake’s face, I decided that I needed to help too, so I dropped my belongings and jumped into the chaos.

The five of us were being thrown back and forth, I ended up being shoved up against the wall with my elbow hitting the button for the basement. The elevator doors closed and we descended to the basement as this angry man punched me twice in the face.  It hurt!!!

The elevator stopped, the doors opened as we all piled out into a little room, with nobody around.  The crazy man was the last one out of the elevator.  As he stepped towards us, he reached into his back pocket, looking us each square in the eye and said,

“I’m going to kill you.”

My life flashed before my eyes.  There was no one around to help us and I believed this man.  All I knew at this point was that I was going to die in this basement with no one around.  Then I remembered that I could ask God for help, so in my heart I prayed,

“Lord, please help!”

As soon as the words left my heart, the man extended his hand to me and said, “I’d like you to accept my apology.”

I was absolutely stunned. We were all unsure as to what to do as he continued to hold out his hand to us. Finally, Jacki said, “I’m not shaking your hand!” We all got back into the elevator with this guy and his girlfriend!  An incredible Peace filled the elevator, as we all silently rode up to our floor.  This was a complete turn around from what had just happened a few moments earlier!

Once we had gotten back into our apartment, I told them that I had prayed.  We all agreed that there was no way something like that would have happened naturally, we all  knew that God had answered my prayer!!!

Once again, the Lord was revealing Himself to me as a God Who hears the cry of my heart and is able to save me out of any situation.

He was drawing me to Himself.

Call to Me, and I will answer you, and show you great and mighty things, which you do not know.” 

Jeremiah 33:3

In the spring of 1995, I received a letter in the mail from my younger sister Rachel.  She was a very special sister to me and had always admired me while growing up. After turning 18, she moved to Twin Peaks, CA to attend Calvary Chapel Bible College, which was about two hours from Hollywood.

A few months before moving, Rachel seriously committed her life to the Lord and offered her life in obedience to
Him.  During her study of the Scriptures, she saw that being a Christian was much more than just saying you were one.  So she decided to write all of her siblings a letter telling us of her findings in Scripture.  Basically she told us that just because we had grown up in a Christian family didn’t mean that we were actually Christians!

I couldn’t believe her nerve in writing this letter and telling me that I wasn’t a Christian. Hadn’t God answered my prayers immediately and on two different occasions when my life was in danger?  If I wasn’t a Christian why was God answering my prayers?

It angered me so much that I decided to take my three friends and go to the Bible College to give her a piece of my mind.  Upon arriving on the campus, Jacki began saying,  “This is a cult, they don’t have TV’s up here and they are out in the middle of nowhere getting brainwashed.”

While looking at the buildings, and the trees and mountains around them, I was seeing  everything through the eyes of what Jacki was saying.  I started to believe that my sister was indeed in a cult and decided that after I yelled at her about the letter she sent me, that I would try and help her get out of this cult.

As we walked toward a bunch of students who were sprawled out on the lawn reading, they all seemed to notice us at the same time.  It may have been due to the fact that the contrast of our black clothing up against our pale skin and dark makeup that we looked like we didn’t belong on a Bible College campus but in a punk club!

I asked one of the students if they knew my sister Rachel and they quickly ran and got her.    She was so surprised and excited that I had come to visit her that she came running toward us with her guitar in tow.  She gave each of us a hug not in the least phased by our crazy looks.  She proceeded to joyfully introduce us to her classmates who were not too sure what to think of us.

We all agreed to go and have lunch by a lake nearby.  While eating, Jacki began telling her that she was in a cult.  Rachel soon realized our reason for coming was not friendly but that I had come to give her a piece of my mind about the letter she had written.  She was surrounded by the four of us as we interrogated her on her new found faith.  I could tell that she was very uncomfortable and didn’t quite seem to know what to do next so she asked if we might like to hear some new songs that she had written.  We gladly agreed but hadn’t anticipated them all being about Jesus!

For some strange reason, as she sang about Jesus I found myself getting really irritated!!!  It was almost unbearable, it felt like I could’ve jumped out of my skin.  I wanted so badly for her to stop singing about Jesus.  I couldn’t figure out why her singing about Him was causing me so much distress.  After all, I knew I believed in Him and my main reason for coming to the campus was to tell her how much I didn’t appreciate her telling me that I was not a Christian.  The fact was that I now believed that I was a gay Christian!

Finally, I had just about enough of her singing and began to blast her with questions, “Why can’t you just be normal?  Why does everything have to be about Jesus?  Remember when you and I were younger, you didn’t mention Jesus every other word, so why can’t you just talk like you used to?”  She didn’t know what to say.

By this time I had to use the bathroom so we all walked over to an empty conference center.  In the bathroom, I seized on the moment and got to the point for my reason for coming to visit her.   I looked her directly in the eye and asked,

“Do you accept me for who I am?”

She was now faced with the question of where she stood with my lifestyle and when she spoke, I didn’t recognize her as the sister I had known.   A quiet courage filled her as she spoke these words to me,

“Brooke, I believe what the Bible says about homosexuality and it says that homosexuals do not inherit the Kingdom of God.  And I believe the Bible!”

Hatred and rage boiled up from deep within me as I pointed my finger right in her face and screamed,

“I HATE YOU!!!!!!!!!!  

You are on my black list, I hate you!!!” 

I couldn’t think clearly as the pain of her words seeped down into my soul and the hatred that I felt towards her consumed me like wildfire.  I wanted to leave her at the conference center without driving her back up the mountain to Bible campus but my friends were not as angry as I was and convinced me that we should drive her back.  I couldn’t believe that she would use a Bible verse to tell me that I was not going to Heaven!!!  Basically, she was telling me I was going to hell. I didn’t speak another word to her while driving her back up the mountain.  After she got out of the car and rejoined her friends and classmates, she was sobbing and made the decision to pray for me instead of hating me in return.  She asked her entire school to pray for me.  They did.

My heart ached after this encounter with Rachel, I didn’t know how to deal with it so I completely pushed away the thoughts about it and continued with life as usual in Hollywood.  Even though I had been cut off from my entire family it no longer bothered me, in fact I was enjoying my life without them.  In my mind they were narrow minded, Bible thumpers who didn’t understand the love of God, like I did.  I believed that because God was Love and that He had no problem with me loving Jacki the way that I did.  After all, He was answering my prayers all the time and now I praying on a daily basis.

Several months after visiting my sister Rachel, a friend of ours introduced us to Crystal Meth.  We were friends with a group of women in Hollywood that were considered important in the entertainment industry and while hanging around them, Crystal Meth was the drug of choice.  If you were not using it, they actually became suspicious of you.  Crystal Meth made me feel like I was on top of the world and that I could talk to anyone without any reservations, however it gave me an extreme case of dry mouth so my use of it only lasted a few months.  Sadly, Jacki, craved it more and more and began doing it without me.

Our two friends that had come to Hollywood with us, Joe and Drake, both decided to move back to Detroit.  Thankfully Joe continued to financially support us in our pursuit of riches and fame, however he wasn’t aware that some of the money was being used for drugs.

One Friday night after leaving the lesbian club, Jacki, myself and the drug dealer that we used walked from the night club to a 7-11 to buy cigarettes.  Upon arriving, we noticed a homeless man sitting on the ground outside the entrance to the store.  He had long blonde, filthy hair.  Jacki and I stopped when we noticed that he was crying, so we asked him what was wrong.  Our drug dealer saw him too but wanted no part of talking to him, so she left.

This man was holding a handwritten card that seemed to be the reason that he was crying.  After asking him about it, he handed it to us so that we could read it.  I don’t remember what it said but I got the feeling that a Christian had given it to him.  It also had a tiny little gold angel pin stuck to the card.

Instead of leaving him and wishing him well, like we normally would’ve done, we both stayed and continued talking with him. He didn’t act like a typical street person, he hadn’t asked us for anything and didn’t seem to be drunk either.  Jacki had noticed his bottle of vodka was nearly empty so she offered to buy him a new one, something of which I had never seen her do for anyone.

She went into the store leaving me alone with this stranger. As soon as our eyes met, I was struck by how beautiful they were.  They were filled to the brim with tears, with the overflow leaving a clean streak down his dirty face.  There was such a look of gentle, sadness, yet great compassion in his eyes.  The love that I felt coming from him seemed to be aimed at me personally.  I was overwhelmed with a sense of incredible peace as I looked into his tearful eyes.  One Word kept repeating in my mind as I stood there.

“Jesus…. Jesus…. Jesus” 

I was in awe as this love touched my heart in such a profound way.  I never wanted to leave this man’s side.    I felt as if I was having an experience with God so I silently prayed these words,

“I will go wherever You want me to go.”

After praying, I had a desire to never leave this man’s side!!!  Here was a homeless man, filthy dirty and poor and yet this love that I was feeling from him had captured my soul.

Jacki came out of the store and handed him his new bottle of Vodka.  She also seemed to be very interested in this man.  She asked him if he wanted to move to a different spot so that we could all sit on the sidewalk and talk.  This was very unlike Jacki her normal behavior, she never talked to homeless people or bought them Vodka!

As we sat down, he told us his name was Thomas and that he had come to Hollywood to become famous but ended up on the streets.  He asked us what our real names were.  This was something we never told anyone and so we lied to him by saying that Jack and Ryder were our real names.  He seemed to know that we had lied to him so he pressed us for the truth and surprisingly we told him what our real names were.

Another topic of the conversation we had was about my eyebrows.  I shaved off part of them off and filled them in with black pencil, so that they would look higher than they actually were.  He looked at me and said,

“You are going to grow your eyebrows back.”

I said, “No I’m not.”

He said, “Yes you are.”

I said, “No, I can tell you for a fact that I’m not!”

He said, “Yes you are.”

It was such a funny thing to go back and forth about but he had said it with such certainty that it was strange.  Then, as we continued the conversation he looked directly at me and said, “You are going to leave her!”

This time I didn’t argue with him.  Jacki was sitting next to me and I began to feel her eyes burning a hole in the side of my head as she angrily wondered why I didn’t argue with him about that.  I was surprised at myself for not arguing with him about that too because I hadn’t planned on leaving her.  But now I wondered at his words.

There was now a minor break in my relationship with Jacki but we continued on as if the words of the homeless man were never spoken.  Jacki still flirted with different girls at the clubs, to “help” our career in Hollywood and I continued to endure it for our cause.  I loved Jacki with all of my soul and was content to put up with the other women since I believed that deep down she really loved me.

In April of 1996, Jacki and I were sitting in our apartment on a Saturday night making our plans as to which club we should go to.  Life at the clubs had gotten quite political as competing clubs were trying to get us to come to their clubs since they noticed that our look seemed to draw a crowd.

Jacki was sitting across from me at the kitchen table looking at one of the latest brochures from a competing club.

“Let’s check out this new club tonight,” she said.

I happened to notice that it was the same brochure that I had gotten a few nights earlier and when it was handed to me the weirdest feeling of danger came over me.  So I answered,

“No, when I got that brochure, I get the worst feeling.”

She insisted by saying, “Well, we owe it to ourselves to check it out, to at least see who is there.”

I repeated my plea, “No, listen!  Every time I’ve gotten one of those brochures I get the worst feeling!!”

She said, “Well, then, let’s just sit on the fence about it.”

Those words triggered something in me, I had never heard Jacki use the phrase “sit on the fence” before during all the years of knowing her.  In fact, the only time I had ever heard the term “sit on the fence” was in church!!!

They would say, “Don’t sit on the fence, you are either in the Kingdom of God or in the kingdom of darkness.”

Just then, I sensed a presence enter the room, it was a cold, bone chilling feeling that seemed to take over the atmosphere of the room.   My heart began to pounding as I looked to see if someone had actually come into our kitchen.  I knew that no one could’ve come into our kitchen since we lived on the 3rd floor and the only thing behind me was a window but the sense of something entering the room was so strong that I looked towards Jacki to see if she sensed it too, “Do you feel that?” I asked her.  “Feel what?”  She said with irritation in her voice.

Now I was really freaked out knowing that I was totally alone in feeling this cold presence.  Terror gripped every fiber of my being.  I turned in the direction of where I was sensing the presence and held out my hand as if to stop it from coming toward me.  My breathing was getting faster as I pleaded with Jacki again asking if she felt the presence.

“Oh yeah,” she said mockingly, “I do feel it, it’s warm.”

It was at this moment that I realized that she didn’t feel it at all because it was a cold, chilling feeling.  The fact that she was mocking me in my time of need hurt deeply and my eyes were opened to the fact that she really didn’t love me at all.  At this point, I felt something within me break and I knew I would never trust her again.

A revelation of clear thinking came over me as I realized that I was trapped in the camp of the enemy of my soul.  In fear of losing my soul to this evil presence, I knew that I had to put all of my cards on the table even if it meant showing Jacki that I was choosing Jesus over her.   So I held out my left hand toward the direction of the evil presence and with everything I had within me I shouted,

“In the Name of Jesus!!!  In the Name of Jesus!!!  In the Name of Jesus!!!”

Immediately, Jacki jumped up from the table!!!  It was as if the Name of Jesus was moving her away from me. She grabbed her leather jacket with a huff and said, “I’m outta here!!!”  She left the apartment.  Strangely, the evil presence left too.

Standing to my feet and raising my hands to Heaven, I prayed out loud,

“Lord, I don’t know what You want, but I’m asking You to help me!”

As soon as I prayed, it felt like another presence came into the apartment, however, this one felt like a sense of urgency as if an invisible friend was urging me to hurry up and leave the apartment.   I ran to the closet to grab my leather jacket and my baseball hat, since my head was shaved and I didn’t want people on the street to think I was a skin head.  However, the pressing urgency of this presence was so strong upon me it was as if I could hear it yelling, “Let’s go!!!  Let’s go!!!  I almost wanted to yell back at it by saying, “Okay, I just need to get my hat, would you hold on a second?”

I hurried down the 3 flights of stairs out into the night having no clue what I was doing or where I was going.  It was a Saturday night in Hollywood and the town was jumping.  One block up the street was Hollywood Blvd., full of cars out cruising bumper to bumper looking for some fun.  Not knowing what to do or where to go, I stood in front of my apartment building and decided to pray again. “Okay Lord, which way do You want me to go?”

Immediately after praying, I felt a gentle impression leading me toward the right, so, I walked up the hill to the corner and continued praying the same prayer.  Each time I prayed, I felt an impression to go in a certain direction.  I realized I was literally being led by the Lord.   As I walked in the direction that I felt led to go, I was not afraid, even though the area that I was walking through was a very dangerous part of Hollywood. I ended up at the onramp to the 101 Freeway.

I stood at the entrance of the Freeway and prayed the same prayer that I had been praying,

“Which way do You want me to go?”

This time I didn’t feel impressed to do anything so I turned and looked behind me and noticed a slope that went down into a dark ravine which was filled with ivy, bushes and small trees.   I turned around from it and thought to myself,

“I don’t want to go down there, there is probably someone sleeping down there.”

As I continued to stand there for a minute, I started doubting all that had just taken place and began thinking I was going crazy.  Then I heard a gentle Voice within my heart say,

“Brooke, Fear not, for I Am the Lord your God,”

I was felt impressed to turn and face the ravine that sloped down into the darkness.   Then I heard,

“Though you may walk through the valley of the shadow of death, you shall fear no evil for My rod and My staff will comfort you.”

Psalm 23:4

As I slowly inched my way down the slope, I looked around and realized that I wasn’t scared at all.  In fact, the Peace that I felt down in this ravine was indescribable.

As if I had entered another world, out of sight of any other human being and completely surrounded ivy.

A gentle breeze blew as I stood there not moving an inch.

Then these words entered my heart.

“Love is the Most Powerful Source in the universe.”

I knew that these words were not coming from me or my way of thinking.

My eyes focused on a tiny little tree about 15 feet away and again I heard the same words,

“Love is the Most Powerful Source in the universe.”

A deep yearning came over me to go and get under the little tree that my eyes were fixed on.  Once under it, again, the same words filled my heart and mind,

“Love is the Most Powerful Source in the universe.”

My eyes had focused on a leaf on the little tree that I was under as I reached out to touch it and noticed that it was shaped like a heart, in fact every leaf on the tree was shaped as a heart!!!

Tears began to flow down my face at the revelation of God really having drawn me under this tiny tree with heart shaped leaves.  So I said to the Lord,

“Okay, Love is the most powerful Source in the universe, what about Jacki?”

I heard one word and it was loud


At that moment, I was convicted of my sin of being in a lesbian relationship with Jacki and I realized that I just asked God Almighty about my lesbian lover!

Instantly I began to sense that evil presence again as if somebody had come down into the ravine and was standing right behind me.  It was such a strong feeling that someone was standing behind me that even though I was paralyzed with fear, I actually reached behind me to see if someone was actually standing there.  No one was there.  I had such an incredible compulsion to run out of there and get away from all of this but I just stood there paralyzed with fear.  I HAD to make a decision.  It was literally like being on top of a fence and having to decide which side I was going to be on.  I had to decide between Jesus and Jack, I now understood that I could not have them both.

So with ALL of my heart, I chose Jesus and I began to say out loud,

“Love is the most powerful Source in the universe.”

The evil presence behind me left.

Even though a few months had passed since meeting the homeless man at 7-11 it seemed as if God was now showing me the answer to my silent prayer,

“I will go wherever You want me to go.”

The truth was I had no idea where I was going but deep inside of my heart, I knew something had just changed.

After my experience at the tree, not knowing what to do next, I went back to my apartment to find Jacki standing at our altar which was lined with many occult artifacts.   She was burning incense and wearing my necklace, the one I wore almost every single day it was almost as if she was trying to make contact with the spirit guides to find out where I was.  I had never seen her do this before nor had she ever worn my necklace.

The incense poured out into the hallway as she came and sat next to me on the stairs.  When I saw her I knew for sure my heart had been changed by God since I had no desire for her or for her affection.  I knew I had to leave but I didn’t know how I was going to do this since I was completely cut off from everyone in my family.

I didn’t know what to do, so I sat on the steps outside of our apartment as she persistently asked me where I’d been.  For a while I refused to answer her or to come in but eventually since I didn’t know what to do next and I had nowhere else to go, I went into the apartment and slept on the couch.   I kept dozing off to sleep and waking up with a startle as Jacki sat next to me furiously writing me a note that would hopefully get me to change my mind about things. She tried pleading with me but I only ignored her and for some reason that day she confessed to me that she had read the satan bible.

How had I been so blinded to her being a witch and following the wicca religion?  Why didn’t I put together that she had studied under Jett who was a warlock?

A few nights after my experience at the tree talking with God, Jacki and I went to the grocery store about 2am.  There was really nothing unusual about that, in fact everything we did was at night!  After we finished shopping we came out of store and noticed there was a group of Hispanic guys standing around.  Jacki walked right over to them and spoke to them in such a low tone I couldn’t hear her although I was standing right there.  All of the guys she spoke to looked at me while she was speaking.  I felt very uncomfortable and didn’t understand what was happening.

A few nights later, the phone rang, I answered it.  Max, Jacki’s ex-boyfriend, who we had re-connected with after he had separately moved to Hollywood, asked if we were coming by later that evening.  I told him we were.  Then he said, “Watch out for the Mexicans.”   “What?” I asked not sure what he had just said.  He repeated himself, “Watch out for the Mexicans.”  “What is that supposed to mean?” I asked.  He wouldn’t answer me but said, “Put Jacki on the phone.”  So I did.

That night, on our way to Max’s house, we came to the stop sign near our apartment where it was a well known area where drugs were sold.  All of a sudden, about 15 Hispanic guys surround our car, yelling and punching it.  Terrified, I turned the corner and came to the next stop sign and where again, the car was surrounded with more Hispanic guys shouting and waving their arms and touching the car.  Jacki yelled at me, “Go!!!”   I stepped on the gas pulling out into traffic trying not to hit anyone, thankfully we didn’t.   All that kept going through my mind was how Max had told me to watch out for the Mexicans.  I was very scared and I didn’t trust Jacki or Max.

When we got to Max’s house that evening and told him about the event with the Hispanic guys he didn’t seem to think it was a big deal at all.  When I asked him about the comment he had made on the phone, he wouldn’t answer me.

Jacki and Max still pretended to be my friends but I knew that they were my enemies and had some bad things planned for me.

A few days later, Jacki convinced me to go for a drive to Malibu.  She was really pursuing me, and I was so weak that I was losing my ability to resist her.  On our way, we stopped at a convenience store to buy some cigarettes.

Jacki went into the store, as I waited, an older black homeless man walked up to our car and started spraying the windshield with water and smeared it dry with a newspaper.

He was making a mess and I was furious that he was doing this because he didn’t even ask me.   After his smudge job on the windshield, he came back to my side of the car to receive his payment!  I wasn’t pleased but didn’t want any trouble, so, I cracked the window a bit and handed him a few coins.  Just then, Jacki opened the passenger door and got in.  With my window still open, the man looked directly at me, pointing his finger,  and said with a stern voice,

“You know what you need to be doing!!!!”

His words pierced my heart like a knife and I knew the Lord was speaking to me through him.

Immediately, Jacki snarled,

Don’t listen to him!!!”

If I ever needed to be convinced that there was such a thing as spiritual warfare this was a prime example!!!

On one side of me was a total stranger that spoke a few words to me.  For him to know that what he said was EXACTLY what I needed to hear was only God.  And then Jacki’s response to this perfect strangers words was such a clear picture that satan was speaking through Jacki!!!  And he didn’t want me to listen to God!!!

The homeless man was right, “I knew what I needed to be doing.”

I knew that I needed to leave Jacki.

For the Word of God is alive and active. 

Sharper than any double-edged sword, 

it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit,

joints and marrow;

it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart. 

Hebrews 4:12

I sat in front of the phone, nervous and wringing my hands.  What was I going to say??  My parents had taken a stand against the way I lived and we didn’t have much of a relationship, yet, somehow I knew I could call them in my time of need and they would help me.

So when Jacki was out of the apartment, I picked up the phone and called home.  My mom answered the phone.  “Mom?”  Can I come home?”  I asked not giving any details as to my sudden question.  “Sure,” she replied, “How long do you want to stay?”

This time I clarified, “No, Mom, I mean can I come home?  I think my life is in danger.”  Immediately my mom understood that I was telling her that I wanted to leave Jacki.  A few years earlier, my mom’s friend had a word from the Lord about me, she told my mom that if Brooke tells you she wants out, you need to respond immediately!!!”

My Mom remembered this “Word” and went into battle mode immediately by calling all of her praying friends.

The Body of Christ began to pray for me.  My Dad called my brother Tim who lived on the same mountain as Calvary Chapel Bible college, where my sister Rachel was attending school.  He explained that I was in danger and my brother willingly accepted the challenge to drive into Hollywood.  He brought with his friend Dan with him, who was carrying a gun.

My parents called the Bible college and got my sister Rachel out of class to tell her what was happening.  She and her fiance Tim joined the rescue team.  After making sure that everyone could do their part in helping me, my Mom called me back and told me that my brother Tim and sister Rachel and two others (Tim and Dan) would be here in a few hours.

I frantically packed as much as I could into a few suitcases, taking notice of the illegal, loaded, assault rifle laying next to the bed.  Max had given it to us for protection, but today I was painfully aware of it especially since earlier that morning, for the first time in our relationship, Jacki had angrily knocked me down because she didn’t like something I said.

With all of my suitcases packed and lined up in the living room, Jacki came back home and demanded to know where I was going.  She told me that I couldn’t take the car and she wouldn’t give me any money.  I had determined not to say a word to her.  I knew I needed to remain calm and quiet and continue to pray for God to help me.

When the phone rang, I quickly ran to it and answered it.  My brother Tim was on our street and he and my sister Rachel remained in the Bronco since we knew that Jacki would recognize them.  So I buzzed them in through the front door. Standing at my door were two men that I had never met who risked their lives for me.  Jacki was taken completely off guard.

I quickly handed them my suitcases and grabbed my remaining things as she demanded to know who these people were.  Everything had happened so quickly that she didn’t have time to do anything.  She hadn’t counted on my family helping me.

When I got into the Bronco,  Jacki came out of the apartment building carrying something and walking with intent towards us.  I yelled for my brother to “Go!!!!”  He quickly stepped on the gas as she angrily threw a statue of the baby Jesus at the car and said,

“Don’t forget to take this!!!!

It should have smashed the window where I was sitting but instead it gently glided right through the half open window right into my lap.

That was the last time I ever saw Jacki.

As we all rode together in the Bronco, I began to realize how much I didn’t know my sister Rachel and brother Tim.   So much time had passed between us.  I felt so ashamed of my behavior towards Rachel, of about a year earlier when I had screamed that I hated her.  Now there was only a look of joy in her eyes, that I had come home.  She was so happy to see me, but was concerned at how pale and thin I looked.  I was overwhelmed with gratitude that they had risked their lives to come and save me.

I was confused, and even though I had left Jacki to follow Jesus, I was heartbroken and confused and needed to recover.

On May 26, 1996, I flew from Los Angeles, CA to Greenville, SC to begin my new life with my family.  I had been gone for so many years and had missed out on so much of my younger brothers and sisters lives.  It was hard to take in all at once.  As I walked in my Mom standing there waiting for me.   So many emotions came over me as I looked at her.  We hugged each other but didn’t say too much because my Dad was so excited about giving me the tour of their new home.  I felt welcome, I was going to be okay now.  I was home.

“Suppose one of you has a hundred sheep and loses one of them. Doesn’t he leave the ninety-nine in the open country and go after the lost sheep until he finds it?  And when he finds it, he joyfully puts it on his shoulders and goes home. Then he calls his friends and neighbors together and says, ‘Rejoice with me; I have found my lost sheep.’  I tell you that in the same way there will be more rejoicing in Heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who do not need to repent.” 

Luke 15:4-7

Most Relevant Verses

ToolsVerse page’>Psalm 69:20

Reproach has broken my heart and I am so sick And I looked for sympathy, but there was none, And for comforters, but I found none.

ToolsVerse page’>Isaiah 61:1

The Spirit of the Lord GOD is upon me, Because the LORD has anointed me To bring good news to the afflicted; He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, To proclaim liberty to captives And freedom to prisoners;

ToolsVerse page’>Psalm 34:18

The LORD is near to the brokenhearted And saves those who are crushed in spirit.

ToolsVerse page’>John 3:16

“For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life.

ToolsVerse page’>Proverbs 3:5-6

Trust in the LORD with all your heart And do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He will make your paths straight.

ToolsVerse page’>Psalm 147:3

He heals the brokenhearted And binds up their wounds.

ToolsVerse page’>Psalm 73:26

My flesh and my heart may fail, But God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

ToolsVerse page’>Revelation 21:4

and He will wipe away every tear from their eyes; and there will no longer be any death; there will no longer be any mourning, or crying, or pain; the first things have passed away.”

ToolsVerse page’>Luke 4:18


ToolsVerse page’>John 14:27

“Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you Do not let your heart be troubled, nor let it be fearful.

ToolsVerse page’>1 Peter 5:7

casting all your anxiety on Him, because He cares for you.

ToolsVerse page’>Matthew 11:28

“Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest.

ToolsVerse page’>Jeremiah 17:7

“Blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD And whose trust is the LORD.

ToolsVerse page’>Psalm 18:2

The LORD is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer, My God, my rock, in whom I take refuge; My shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.

Cross my broken heart, boy
Cross my broken heart for you
I’m going to stay this time
Cross my broken heart, boy
Swear I’ll never part from you
I want you to be mine

I know you think I’m not
Your picture perfect jewel
Wholl never break apart
When everything was cool

I needed to explore
And open up the door
But now I need you more

I’m sending out a message
A message so sincere
When I close my eyes
I need to feel you near

Can’t get you off my mind
For leaving me this time
I’m still in love with you

Cross my broken heart, boy
Cross my broken heart for you
I’m going to stay this time
Cross my broken heart, boy
Swear I’ll never part from you
I want you to be mine

If I had your attention
I’d tell you what I learned
Despite of good intentions
It’s easy to get burned

I learned my lesson well
It’s you I need to tell
This time I’m all for you

I need for you to trust me
To give me all your best
I’ll prove just what your love means
Just put me to the test

This time I need to stay
Don’t need to go away
I’m still in love with you

Cross my broken heart, boyThe Jesus Lizard – Cross My Broken Heart – /> Cross my broken heart for you
I’m going to stay this time
Cross my broken heart, boy
Swear I’ll never part from you
I want you to be mine

You’re my morning sun
You’re my shinging star
You’re my number one
Cross my broken heart

In your eyes I see
What you mean to me
You’re my destiny

I’m sending out a message
A message so sincere
When I close my eyes
I need to feel you near

Can’t get you off my mind
For leaving me this time
I’m still in love with you

You’re my morning sun
You’re my shinging star
You’re my number one
Cross my broken heart

In your eyes I see
What you mean to me
You’re my destiny

Cross my broken heart, boy
Cross my broken heart for you
I’m going to stay this time
Cross my broken heart, boy
Swear I’ll never part from you
I want you to be mine

Cross my broken heart, boy
Cross my broken heart for you
I’m going to stay this time
Cross my broken heart, boy
Swear I’ll never part from you
I want you to be mine

Cross my broken heart, boy
Cross my broken heart for you
I’m going to stay this time

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