Turning the page isn’t easy. Often times we get stuck on the same page, the story that brought us so many moments of joy and love. Staying on the same page is the hope and longing that maybe they will come back, maybe things will turn out differently, maybe they will change their minds. The truth is, by continuing to stay there we miss out on the stories around us that have the potential to be as life changing as the ones we experienced. Sometimes God brings people into our lives and just like that, similar to a wind pushing them from behind, God briskly takes them away. All we can do is trust, and have faith that God is opening a new chapter in our life that is even more beautiful.
I wrote that recently after a heartbreak and one of the most difficult things in life is losing someone you truly love.
If there’s a kind of heartbreak that has been universally felt by countless people across all cultures in the world, it is the heartbreak of a breakup. There’s nothing quite like the pain of the knowledge that the one you love is no longer yours. As impossible as it may seem, there’s nothing you can truly do but come to terms with the breakup, let go of the situation, and focus on healing, so that you can move on and become a stronger person through it all.
The process is not completely dependent on you, however. It can be easy to accept all the responsibility for your healing so that you have an excuse to wallow in self-pity for however long you want.
But the truth is that God is the only one who can fill the void you feel after a breakup. He is the one who repairs our souls, and we are just the vessels He uses to make that happen. Heather Lindsey advises, “Let not make any more excuses of ‘easier said than done.’ Let’s instead say, God—I trust you.”
Letting Go…We must do all we can to help facilitate our healing, while still relying wholly on God.
Here are five ways that, according to Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen, can help us to do just that:
1. Understand that the breakup may be the best thing for you.
Grief can often cloud our judgment so much that we can’t see the bigger picture unfolding in our lives. After all, how could something as terrible and emotionally draining as this possibly play a part in God’s plan for our lives? God has been using pain to yield glory since the beginning of time, and He continues to do so in our lives today.
Despair teaches us to hope. Suffering teaches us to rejoice. When we realize that our situations shape us in ways we cannot see, it becomes easier to accept the hurt now, if only to grow later.
2. Accept that you did the best you could in your relationship.
After a breakup, it can be tempting to pin the blame on the likeliest victim, even if it’s yourself. But this reaction solves nothing; it only stirs up all kinds of negativity and regrets that need to be resolved if you are ever to move on. The end of a relationship is not your fault; it was part of an uncontrollable series of events that, believe it or not, God is using to build you up in faith. The sooner you reach acceptance, the better.
3. Decide what needs to change in your life.
If we become self-absorbed in depression, we can become stagnant in our walk with Christ and in our lives in general. We may not even mean to; it is simply the natural effect of a life-altering event. It is more than okay to break down, to think about what happened, to feel, for lack of a better term, sad. But eventually, when you are ready to heal, you have to make a change. You have to shift your attention from the breakup to something much more enjoyable and fulfilling to engage in.
4. Accept your lack of control.
The most frustrating part to come to terms with is, without a doubt, the fact that all of this is happening, and you cannot control it. No matter how many texts you send, how many tears you shed, how many times you try to bargain with God, the damage has already been done. Even if you do manage to beg your love back, your heart cannot be as it was before. You can’t change what has already happened, and you cannot change someone else’s mind. Instead of trying, focus on things that you can change, like your own outlook on life and dependence on God.
5. Get spiritually refreshed.
Of course, the one thing that remains constant in every trial is the steadfast love of Jesus Christ. He is the remedy for every single aftershock of this massive earthquake called a breakup. He has experienced every struggle you can name; loneliness, frustration, sadness, betrayal, and even death. He knows that despite the trouble of this world, true joy can be found in following Him.
If you feel dead inside, chances are that you need to be spiritually refreshed. If you haven’t been going to church, why not get back in the habit? Read the Word, and pray constantly.
My Personal Experience:
When I moved out to California I did so for my ex-girlfriend. I loved her a lot, I had plans to marry her and I did my very best to make our relationship work but in the end it wasn’t enough. When she broke up with me for another guy, I was devastated.
I had no friends or support because all of my friends were basically her friends. I was honestly all alone. So what did I do?
Besides going through a storm of thoughts (What’s wrong with me? What did I do? What could I have done differently?) and emotions (sadness, fear, anger), I turned to the only one who I had, God. Over the next 6 months I decided to dedicate myself to the most important relationship we’ll ever know, our relationship with God.
As I look back now, I realize that it was during that time period that I have never felt closer to God. Despite the pain that would come and go and then come right back again, I also was filled with an unmistakeable peace and joy knowing that I wasn’t alone through this and that I could trust that God had a plan for me.
The truth is, sometimes relationships don’t work no matter how hard we try because God simply wants us to be closer to Him. Its not easy, its painful, its terrifying to let go but I can assure you that when you truly experience God’s peace in your life, when you take that first step or when your down on your knees and have nothing left to give, that is when God rescues us.
Freedom is found only in surrender. Jeanne Doyon puts it this way:
With that step of faith, he will reveal his power in us and through us to handle whatever comes our way.
What has your experiences been like with a break up? Has it helped you move closer to God?
Prayer is one of the most selfless and amazing things you can do for a person, especially someone that you love dearly. It is a way of being grateful and thankful for that special someone or a group of people you love to be with you. It is about taking out your time and focuses your energy and prays for the blessings of God on their behalf.
Oftentimes, when people pray, they will pray for things that they desire. They ask God for help, give them love, guidance, etc., just like a wish list. Take a step back from that and pray for someone else is not only taking you out of the center of attention, but also giving that person to God. When you pray for someone, you are performing a selfless act of hoping someone will be better, healthy, happy, and always be blessed. Not many people are willing to pray for other people. However, things can be a little different when it comes to people you love. We are willing to sacrifice and do something more for the ones that we love.
If you love a man, your boyfriend, your partner, fiancé, husband, significant other, pray for him. It is the best gift that you can give and the best thoughts you can have for him. If you love your children, pray for their safety as well as their wisdom. Your knowledge and tips will be incomplete, but God knows their situation and will bless him with the wisdom to navigate their lives. If you love your parents, pray for them and tell them that you love them all the time. Pray for your relationship that your parents will be blessed by God.
Whatever your situation, include prayer. Praying is not the only thing that you can do for your lover, but also your family members, your parents, your children, your friends, your neighbors, and also the people in this world.
So now that you know who you should pray for, but how are you going to do it? Here are a few good suggestions for you.
1. Pray that God will give you a relationship.
God’s word challenges us to ask and brings our needs before God. When your heart is in harmony with His, there are no limits on what you can ask. When it comes to a relationship, what are your deepest needs and desires? Let God knows and prays with your heart. Even if you are single or when you need a listening ear, just pray sincerely and God will send His blessings to you.
2. Pray that God will grant you patience and insight to wait for the right person.
Things may not happen immediately right after every prayer. Sometimes, God is planning for someone better to come into your life, you will never know because God always has a better and bigger plan for you. After your prayer, have the patience to wait for miracles to occur. And during the time of your wait, ask God to change you, nourish you, and fill you so that you are empowered and prepared for whatever that God has planned for you.
3. Pray that God will be working to rid anything unhealthy in your life.
Sometimes, we can notice the sin that we made, but sometimes we simply can’t. And as you seek to enhance your love life, make sure to ask for God’s help to recognize and heal all the unhealthy things in your life that are not in alignment with His best. It can be because of your bad habit or your negative characters that people do not want to be around you. So pray to God and seek to get to the bottom of your sins and ask for His healing power to be at work.
4. Pray that God will shape your heart and nourish interactions with others.
In life, you will notice that some people seem to have the charisma and everyone loves to be around him or her. On the other hand, there will be someone that people hate to be around with and they will do everything to avoid being with that person. Thus, pray for God to open your heart to loving and edifying others the way it was meant to. Pray God to enrich your relationships and for you to learn how to love and not just being loved.
5. Pray that God will bring healing to your past so that you can embrace the future.
One of the most important keys to a loving relationship, regardless of whether it is with your significant others or your family members, is to let go of the past. It is easy to get stuck in the past and unable to let go. When you are paralyzed by your past, you cannot move forward to a better future. Even when you have a great lover who is willing to spend the rest of her life with you, if you are stuck in the past, the relationship may suffer because of what you hold on to. Therefore, pray and ask God to relieve you from your past, allow you to let go and move forward in life for a better and more loving relationship.
6. Pray that God will protect and you emotional guidance.
You can pray for anything because God is almighty and hence, pray for Him to protect your emotional world and guide you through tough times when you most needed it. Love is a journey with ups and downs. When people fail in their relationship, whether it is a love relationship or a friendship, mainly it is because they do not know how to manage their emotion and let their emotions cloud their head. So pray for God to guide you for a healthy interaction in all of your relationship.
7. Pray that God will bless you with a great love life.
At the end of the day, you want to ask for God’s blessings in your relationship, especially your love life. It is impossible for us to control other people to live up to our expectation and become who we want them to be. You cannot control your lover to be like what you desire because everyone is unique and different. Thus, it is best to pray for God to bless you with a great love life rather than trying to change those who are around you to become who you expect them to be.
What If Someone You Love is Stuck in Sin?
The above are the suggestions of how you can pray for someone you love. Now, what if someone you love is stuck in sin and you would like to help him or her, but you have no idea what you can do? Turn to God and ask for His help. It is heartache to see those that you love struggle with an abusive relationship, drugs, gambling, alcohol, and more. Most of the time, there is no way you can change the person’s thought, not without God’s help. So turn to God and ask for His help. Pray for someone you love who stuck in sins.
Here’s how you can pray for them…
First, pray for the Lord to be with them. One of the first things you can do is to pray that God is with the person and watch over them wherever they are. God will guide them and show them direction and lead them to a healthy life.
Second, pray for the person to start working in their lives. You must have the faith and pray that God to start working on their lives. You may not see it immediately, but you have to believe that something deep within is slowly changing and that person will eventually change and lead a new and better life. Furthermore, you can pray for God to open their heart, mind, and spirit to the love, grace, and healing that only He can bring.
And third, pray as if it has already come to pass. You must have the faith and believe that God is already working on that person and is guiding him or her to a brighter life. Give God the praise and the glory for the victory over the person’s life as if it has already happened.
How Prayer Makes Your Relationships Stronger
When you pray for someone you love to be blessed, what truly happens is that you change your thought patterns and you are actively engaging yourself with that person. Scientists have shown that when someone prays with deep beliefs, their brainwaves will go into a conversation mood as if they are talking to someone. This will ultimately shape the reality. Meaning to say, when you pray for someone or you wish him or her to be good, what really happens is you are creating the reality in your mind.
As a result, your response will change. You will start to think about that person differently and you will perceive him or her differently. And when your thinking changed, your reality will change. This is why prayer can make your relationship stronger.
Prayer is just like focusing your thought on a certain subject. When you pray for someone, you are focusing your thoughts on him. As a result, it will become a new reality and your outer life will change.
Plus, as what you have learned above, when you pray, you must also pray as if God has already made that happen. This is because you choose to believe in God and that He will hear your prayer and fulfills your request. When you believe that things will become better, you will operate from a more optimistic mindset and act as if things are working out for you instead of against you. Therefore, it builds the bond between you and the person who you prayed for.
For instance, think of someone who irritates you. it can be someone you have a strained relationship with or who just rubs you the wrong way. Now, do you pray for that person? Or do you just complain, resent, grumble, and nag? So does praying or nagging works? Yes, science has already proved this. So why do you want to nag, complain or resent? Rather, choose to pray for the people that you love and whom you want to change.
There are things in other people’s lives that you would like to change. The problem is that you cannot change them. You can only change yourself. We always want other people to change, but we simply can’t, not without the help of God. And when you turn to God and ask for His help, pray and let God do His work, you will change. The fastest way to change a bad relationship to a good one is to start praying for the other person. When you do this, it will change you, and as a result, it can change the other person.
This is just like the saying, “If you can’t fight them, join them.” There is no way you can change someone, but you can always choose to change yourself to impact other people to change. This is a vital subject in a relationship because we often deal with people who have different characteristics and habits than us. We want other people to change, but not us. And this is how prayer can help.
Prayer for Finding Love
Remember that God is almighty God and He can help and fulfill whatever you asked for. If you have no idea what to say when you pray for someone you love, here is an example for you:
“Almighty God, hear this prayer. Almighty God, hear this relationship prayer. As You are first in my heavenly heart and mind and spirit, so do I desire a companion for my earthly heart and mind and being. Guide me to the partner You know is perfect for me. Help me walk in faith until that time of our first meeting. Show me how I can become a partner worthy of love. Then guide me through every stage of our relationship, so that, as we move ever closer to You, we grow closer to each other in Love, in Joy, and in Faith. Thank You, God, for hearing my prayer. Amen!”
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My last breakup lasted three months. We both knew it had to end, but our intense attraction made it nearly impossible to cut ties completely. Each time we got together, I told myself it would be the last time… except it never was. This cycle repeated until I hit my breaking point. The emotional high I felt in the moment with him didn’t make up for the sadness I experienced days later.
Letting go of someone you love can be the scariest and most difficult thing you ever do, even if you know it’s the right move to make. Nothing is better than being in love, so it’s only natural that when you are lucky enough to find love, you do everything in your power to hold on to it.
Recovering from a breakup or divorce can be challenging, but it’s necessary to move forward. Here are 5 ways to heal and find happiness:
1. Give yourself permission to grieve.
While your impulse may be to ignore the pain, suppressing it will only prolong the healing process. Grief is healthy. Yes, suffering is uncomfortable, but it’s important to let yourself feel. The act of crying is scientifically proven to lower stress and elevate your mood.
2. Accept that it’s over.
This may seem obvious, but sadly, many of us cling to a false hope that the other person will come back to us, and things will magically sort themselves out. However, dwelling on something you have no control over will only add to your misery. Sure, you may get back together one day down the line, but it’s best to assume you won’t, and prepare to move on.“Acceptance grounds you in what is true, which is where you have to start for any true effectiveness, happiness, or healing,” says Rick Hanson, Ph.D. “Acceptance is the foundation of wisdom and inner peace.”
3. Distance yourself and get rid of relationship reminders.
It’s helpful to think of this time as a cleanse. Many people have a hard time letting go completely and stay in touch, regardless of how much it hurts. Cutting off contact, at least temporarily, is essential for your mental well-being. Also, get rid of the tangible reminders—pictures, clothes, and songs—that can trigger nostalgia.“Even if the split is amicable, it’s important you both go your own way and stop leaning on each other because that keeps you emotionally and energetically tied,” says life coach Christine Hassler, relationship expert and frequent contributor to Mastin Kipp’s Daily Love. “You prolong your healing process and may be preventing learning the lessons you need to learn by continuing to have contact.”
4. Don’t relive all the happy memories.
Remember the reasons why you broke up. Glorifying the past will do nothing but hurt you. It’s hard to think logically when you get swept up in such intense emotions, so when you catch yourself reminiscing about your ex, shift your focus elsewhere. Keep busy and find ways to distract yourself.“Join a running group, find an intramural team, play basketball at a nearby park,” eHarmony experts advise.
“Even taking your dog for more walks is good for both the body and soul. A little fresh air can go a long way when your brain is taxed and your heart is weary.”
Any time I’m feeling vulnerable or second-guessing my decision, I write down a list of reasons why we broke up and reread it.
5. Remain optimistic and have faith you will find love again.
When you let go of someone who was bad for you, you make room in your life for new people and new possibilities. Starting over can be scary—you may fear being vulnerable or getting hurt again—but it is only when you truly let go that a new love can come in. Prepare yourself by staying positive and focusing on what you really want, and you will ultimately find a healthier, deeper love.
Click here to see Rose’s tips for healthy and happy relationships
Are you a relationship person? I am and have always tried to prioritize my personal connections with others.
In fact, I’d say having high quality, intimate, authentic, healthy, and emotionally mature relationships are my top life value, and I devote lots of energy and quality time to the people I care about.
It took me a long time to even think about how to let go of a relationship because I was so focused on nurturing my friends and family, even to my own detriment.
When conflicts happen, I’m often the first person to reach out and attempt to heal the relationship problem. I’m quick to forgive, and I hope I’m quick to ask for forgiveness when I’ve messed up.
That’s why for me, letting go of someone is particularly difficult. In fact, up until a few years ago, I couldn’t imagine myself making the decision to release a relationship altogether.
My mantra has always been . . .
How to Let Go of a Relationship
“We can work it out.” And sometimes for me, “working it out” meant acquiescing, stuffing my true feelings, or tolerating things that deep inside I didn’t want to tolerate.
Then one day I could no longer do that. Well, it wasn’t just one day — it happened over a few years. I got to the point in my self-awareness or reached some internal shift, where I knew I had to let go of some relationships.
The pain of dissonance, differences, and responding inauthentically outweighed my desire to keep “working it out.”
Letting go of a relationship is painful — even if it is draining you, holding you back, blinding you to your true self, or worse yet, toxic or abusive.
We invest a lot in our friendships, our marriages, our business partners, and our family members.
And most often it is one of these close relationships, a person or people with whom we’ve been intimately and deeply involved for many years, that cause us the most pain and turmoil.
At some point in one of your relationships, you will reach the point where the pain and difficulty outweigh the positives — where the consequences of letting go seem less daunting than the reality of staying put.
The best way to say goodbye to someone you care about but can no longer be around differs depending on the type of relationship — and the fallout that might occur from ending it.
Saying “goodbye” to your spouse or a toxic family member will be much harder and more involved than letting go of a friend.
Here are some general rules of thumb on how to let go of someone you love:
- Never just “ghost” someone and drop out of his or her life without a word. An in-person conversation is usually the best way to go. A call or hand-written letter can suffice — but never a text.
- Try to have the conversation when you are calm and clear-headed about your decision and can articulate your feelings without rancor.
- State why you need to end the relationship without unkindness or blame. Offer examples if you need too. Focus more on your own feelings and needs rather than blaming the other person.
- Listen to the other person’s response and feelings without anger or defense. He or she will likely be hurt and angry, so prepare yourself in advance for these emotions.
- If the conversation becomes too angry or emotional, you can end it or suggest a follow-up conversation or call once things have calmed down. If you are ending a long-term love relationship, you will likely have many of these follow-up conversations before you completely let go.
- If you are determined it’s time to drop the relationship, try to avoid the other person’s attempt to re-engage you or guilt you into remaining in the relationship. It’s hard to let go, so a clean break gives you the space you need to process your decision.
- Communicate with any other people who will be affected by your decision. You don’t need to throw the other person under the bus, but you can state that for your own mental health and happiness, you need to break from this person. (Communicating with children about a divorce will require more intense and detailed conversations based on the ages of the children. It’s advisable to seek the support of a trained counselor to help you.)
Knowing how to end the relationship is one thing, but one of the most difficult stages of the process is knowing when it’s time to cut the cord. Let’s go over some of the best ways to know for sure.
Letting Go of Someone You Love: 10 Ways to Know When To Let Go:
The decision threshold is different for every individual. And certainly, the type of relationship can set the threshold.
It is harder to let go of a marriage relationship that involves children than it is, say, a business partnership or friendship.
However, there are some universal themes of discord in any relationship that lead to the realization it’s time to say goodbye.
Here are some of these themes:
1. When you see verbal, emotional, or physical abuse.
Whether it’s a spouse, a parent, or a friend, if someone is abusing you in some way — through physical actions, psychological games, or consistently cruel words — it’s time to let them go.
In many cases of abuse, the emotional abuser has whittled away at the self-esteem and confidence of the abused, making it much more difficult for the verbally abused person to leave.
Especially in a marital context, these situations are very complex and usually require the intervention and support of a trained counselor to help extricate the abused person.
But unless they leave the relationship, the abused person will continue to be fearful, full of self-doubt, and constantly anxious and stressed.
And as long as you remain in an abusive relationship, the abuser will continue his or her bad behavior.
2. When you experience consistent dishonesty, disloyalty, or deceit.
Most close relationships can survive the occasional incident of lying or dishonest behavior. Even some marriages can survive a one-time affair with counseling and healing.
Related: 21 Heartbreaking Signs Of An Emotional Affair
But consistent, repetitive instances of dishonesty or disloyalty suggest the person involved has an issue of character and integrity that cannot be overcome.
If you’ve addressed this issue many times over the years, and the behavior continues, you will not be true to yourself and your own integrity to remain connected to this person.
No matter how many positive qualities they may have, consistent deceit will chip away at your respect for them and for yourself.
4. When you recognize divergent core values.
If you and your loved one have wildly differing core values on your most important life principles, you simply will not have a peaceful and mutually supportive relationship.
Some less intimate relationships (like a friendship) can handle this, especially if each person is respectful of the other’s values and life decisions around those values.
But for those relationships where the two people impact each other on a daily basis, finding a middle ground for making decisions, choosing a lifestyle, raising children, managing money, making business decisions, etc., can be impossible.
It requires one or both people to compromise in areas where they simply can’t or shouldn’t compromise.
Related: The Ultimate List of Values
4. When you see general toxicity.
There are some relationships where you and the other person simply clash. You are like oil and water. There’s something about the other person that brings out the worst in you and vice versa.
Often this happens with extended family members, siblings, or friendships that have never been quite right, but you’ve hung on because you feel bad about letting go.
There’s a general air of toxicity about the relationship that hangs around despite your best efforts to “make it work.”
For your own peace of mind, it’s best to step back from a toxic relationship and admit it simply wasn’t meant to be.
5. When they are consistently irresponsible.
If you’re in a business relationship, marriage, or partnership with someone who’s consistently irresponsible, it will eventually undermine your love and respect for this person.
If his or her irresponsible actions relate to finances, life obligations, or raising children together, you will be directly impacted in detrimental ways.
No matter how much you care for this person, eventually you can no longer tolerate their unwillingness or inability to step up to the plate and maturely handle their responsibilities.
You simply can’t allow one person to undermine the other fundamental parts of your life.
6. Refusal to communicate, address problems, or invest.
There are some people in relationships unwilling to communicate, address difficulties, or actively work on the relationship.
They allow it to languish, or worse, actively resist any attempt you might make to work on improving the relationship.
They find it too painful or complicated to communicate openly, or they simply haven’t learned the skills of healthy communication.
Or perhaps they aren’t invested enough in the connection to make an effort. Regardless of the reason, when there’s only one person making an effort, it’s not really a relationship.
Related: 10 Communication Skills You Absolutely Must Know
7. When you are in a one-sided relationship.
A relationship isn’t really a relationship when you are the only person putting forth the effort.
If you find yourself always initiating time together without any reciprocation, or you regularly acquiesce to the other person’s wants and needs, it’s time to find someone else in your life who offers you more.
Related: 10 Ugly Signs Of A One-Sided Relationship
Often kind and giving people attract those who are selfish and demanding. It may take a while to realize that the relationship is one-sided and that you are scrambling to maintain it while the other person does as he or she pleases.
You will never feel validated, supported, or valued in this kind of relationship.
8. When you see emotional neediness.
You may have a friend or family member who is emotionally needy, not just on occasion, but in nearly every encounter you have with him or her.
This person doesn’t just bend your ear. He or she unloads on you and expects you to be his or her personal therapist. Except no matter how much you listen, how many ideas you share, how much good advice you offer, it’s never enough.
The relationship seems entirely based on your ability to be the sounding board and pain absorber for the other person.
When you try to share your own problems or discuss something that’s bothering you, somehow the conversation always winds up about the other person.
9. Unrealistic or demanding expectations.
There may be someone in your life who has expectations of you and your time that you can’t honor.
Perhaps he or she wants you to behave, talk, and dress in a certain way. Maybe they have expectations about how you should raise your children, how you keep your home, or what your political or religious views should be.
Some people have expectations that you spend more time with them than you want to, or they expect you to be available for certain holidays or events.
If you find yourself always compromising your own desires because you don’t want to rock the boat or make the other person mad or upset, it may be time to let this person go.
10. When you experience general bad feelings.
Do you notice that every time you’re around a certain person, you just feel bad? Maybe you feel bad about yourself, and he or she negatively impacts your self-esteem or confidence.
Or you feel uncomfortable, bored, down, frustrated, or any other negative emotion. You may not know why you feel the way you do, but you more often feel bad than good around this person.
A relationship should be primarily uplifting, not diminishing. If this isn’t the case for you, then it’s time to move on from this person.
If you see yourself and one of your relationships in any of these themes, it might be time to consider letting it go.
Letting go of someone you love is painful and sometimes very complicated, but in the end, you must ask yourself if the positives outweigh the negatives; if the connection is lifting you up or dragging you down; if you feel better with or without this person. Ultimately, the most important relationship you must save is the one you have with yourself.
How have you known it was time to let go of a relationship? What realizations or self-awareness did you embrace in order to make the difficult decision? Please share your thoughts in the comments below.