I hope that I can get some help or if not I desperately need to be able to
talk about how after being married for over 20 years that
now there is a third “person”( gambling ) and it is tearing me apart.
Each time I have tried to talk to my husband about his gambling, he has
turned on me with such anger and resentment.
He said the reason he gambles is that it relaxes him.
And he adamantly said he does not want me to question him on this again.
Meanwhile, we owe money to the I.R.S and are facing our lease to end on
our current home, and really need to save money so that we can afford to
move in three months.
I just feel lost….
Submitted by DariaDante on Wed, 12/02/2015 – 13:29
I am new to the forums and I desperately need advice…
My husband (we’re married for a year now) is a gambling addict.
It all started around 2 years ago when we moved and lived almost right next to a casino. I thought nothing of it since by my knowledge he was not a gambler nor ever was.
Pretty soon after we moved he’d just disappear for an evening every once in a while. This was new behavior to me, he never did that before. Upon me asking where he was he replied he went to the casino next door. I was surprised but ok, he has the right to go, right..?
Over the course of just a few months he started to go more and more often, which worried me. We would talk, fight, kiss and make up. Then he wouldn’t go for a few weeks, and then it would start all over again.
Over the past 2 years it grew to become a huge problem. I became an extreme control freak, interrogating him where he was, is, will be etc. it drives him insane. He has enormous financial problems, debts rising up to €100.000+. One of the reason is because his company went bankrupt and he takes absolutely no responsibility whatsoever for anything in his life. Luckily our finances are legally completely separated. I have been urging him to stop which just infuriates him, telling me that he has no problem and I have to stop being so controlling. When I would catch him on going to casino again we would always fight. I tried everything. I tried to be nice, i became angry, I showed my sorrow, I cooperated, I enabled him (stupid mistake), i tried making “deals” with him (going to casino only once a week) but just nothing works.
Which brings me to today.
2 weeks ago I got a “bad feeling”. I had the idea he was in casino even though he told me he was with his daughter (from a previous marriage). I then went on to do something I never thought I would do: I have tracked him on his iPhone with an application. I can see where he is within a 30 meter accuracy. I saw that indeed he was in a casino in another town (so not the one next doors). When he came home I asked him where he was and he lied straight to my face. Of course unable (and unwilling, quite frankly) to tell him I knew he was lying because I followed his iPhone, I let it.
I went on to trace him every single day of the week since then and he appears to go to casino on a daily basis, while continuing to lie to me in the most convincing way.
He came back from casino last Thursday and he broke down, saying he regrets it and wants to stop doing such bad things, acknowledging he has a gambling addiction and so forth. I knew he lost a lot of money, because only losing makes him feeling this way. We talked it over and I told him I forgive him, and he has to stop, and has to stop lying to me as well. He apologized for it. I asked him to seek professional help but he refuses it and said he could manage to stop himself.
Of course I tracked him further and I see he still goes to casino and of course, continues to lie about it.
Whenever I want to talk about his behavior he gets extremely defensive and angry, telling me that I can also just leave him if I can’t deal with him because “this is just the way I am”.
I am at the end of my patience. This is not the man I fell in love with and his lying destroys me. I cannot confront him with his lying because he will leave me when he finds out I tracked him, which is not what I want, I want him to become the man he was when we met.
Please help, any advice would be most welcome.
Approximately 2 million individuals in the U.S. are pathologically problematic gamblers, while an additional 4 to 6 million can be considered problem gamblers, according to licensed clinical social worker Susan Gadoua in her PsychologyToday.com article “So You’re Married to An Addict: Is Divorce Inevitable?” In either case, an addiction to this risky pastime can spell financial ruin not only for the gambler, but also for his family. As the spouse of a gambler, you should aim to protect your finances while directing your husband in the right direction. Several strategies can help you keep things together as you and your husband both tackle his gambling addiction.
A housewife, Omotayo Adewole, 35, on Monday approached an Ikole Customary Court in Ekiti state seeking the dissolution of her 16-year-old marriage to one Ojo Adewole, over his addiction to gambling
The plaintiff had filed a divorce suit against the defendant, Ojo Adewole, on the grounds of drunkenness, failure in parental responsibilities, constant fighting, lack of respect for her parents and non-payment of her bride price.
In her testimony before the court on Monday, the woman alleged that her husband was an addicted gambler and a drunkard.
She lamented that gambling had made her husband a wretched and irresponsible family head that could not take care of the five children of the union nor provide for her as a wife.
She said the defendant spent all his income on gambling and drinks, “he is so addicted to gambling to the extent that he used my three cell phones, cooking stove and other house utensils to gamble.
“He started misbehaving since 2005 but I decided to cope with the situation hoping that he will change from the bad behaviour but nothing changed.
“He fights me, abuses my parents and threatens my life whenever I spoke against his gambling habit and am tired of him”, she stated.
The plaintiff further told the court that the defendant did not pay her bride price since they met 16 years ago and that she shouldered all the care and responsibilities of the five children from the union.
She urged the court to dissolve the marriage but allow the five children to be in her custody saying she would be able to care for them properly and asked for N20,000 monthly as maintenance allowance for the five children.
Two witnesses Mrs Rachael Oni and Kehinde Ogundipe, biological mother and elder sister of the plaintiff respectively, affirmed the testimony of the housewife and urged the court to dissolve the union.
The defendant, who did not object to the allegations against him, told the court that the plaintiff was the cause of all that happened to their marriage.
He, however, promised to narrate his own side of the story when called upon to defence.
Mrs Yemisi Ojo, President of the court adjourned the case to July 25 for continuation of hearing.
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